Offspring Recap: Patrick is Cheating on Nina with Green

Careful Nina, the green is catching

We start the episode with Nina again in the green sheet caress of Patrick’s house. All I can think is I hope to God, they’ve got multiple sets for those green sheets and that if they do, it’s because they were on sale.

"No, honey, I think you're totally normal!"

Nina then has a full on meltdown and at this point I’d be calling for a therapist but I think we’re still to believe it’s just Nina and her wacky Ally McBeal ways.

Nina finds out from the Brother that Mama Proudman has locked herself in her room like some sort of teenager who fights being grounded by going to their room anyway. Nina also does this while walk of shaming it home in the previous night’s clothes which is crazy, because Patrick I’m sure would a) drive her and b) probably has back up clothes from their shag fests.

What are the chances we'd bump into each other?

Apparently no one else exists in inner city Melbourne except the Proudman’s and Nina and her Dad have an awkward ‘hey we’re not related anymore’ catch up. What also apparently doesn’t exist in inner city Melbourne in Offspring land is needles and glass because Nina is still traipsing around barefoot.

I am totally a responsible Doctor

We know it’s a crazy wild episode for Nina because the iPhone of Doom is chiming not even five minutes into the piece. Nina after having a quick chat the insurance company who aren’t helpful and therefore aren’t real like RACV or AAMI decides to dash into work, still looking like she’s on the world’s longest walk of shame. Seriously, if I’m in labour lady flipping through Grazia and I see my doctor run into the building carrying her high heels, I’ve got issues about you delivering my child.

Hello Optus, I'd like to extend my plan

Billie, despite Mick’s very good and sexy husband advice puts her foot in it and freaks Dad Proudman out. Billie calls Mick to explain and at this point I hope the Proudman family is getting some kind of cap joint plan from Optus, because they are burning up the phone lines.

We're going to need a bigger bag of scarves.

The nurses all continue to ignore their jobs and pile on Nina the second she walks into the room. Nurse Nasty gets a gold star from me by giving her a bag full of scarves to make up for the burnt house disaster.

I'm sorry my sexiness is freaking you out.

After Cherie decides to find another worst possible time to make sure Nina is ‘ok’, Nina escapes to the Memorial Chris Havel balcony where she gets concerned sexy eyes from Patrick.  This of course, freaks her out and she scatterbrains all over him until he is forced to leave.

After another phone call, The Brother and Billie have a conversation about how their parents only had two kids together. Apparently being raised all your life as siblings is null and void when told otherwise and the cut off point is pretty fast in Proudman land.

'Screech!'

Billie decides to try and confront Mama Parent and first tries soothing coaxing but fails. Billie then brings back maniac season one with banshee screaming and door pounding.

Martin has noticed that Nina’s avoiding Cherie and he wants her to get over it and make amends with Cherie. Well Martin she did reveal to Nina that she was illegitimate via iPhone pic, Nina is allowed some pissed off feelings.

Sorry Slice, take it, PLEASE TAKE IT!

Nina and Cherie catch up in the park and she declines an offer of chocolate slice. Bad move Nina. 

As Nina arrives at the parents house, I will say that Mazda 3's product a placement is working. I want Nina's car. She imagines all sorts of confessions from her mother and I do fall back in love with Nina for expressing horror that imagined revelations that Tony Abbott might be her father. She botches an attempt to confront the mum, who continues her chicken shit avoidance routine.

Don't come out, your DNA is choc-o-block with crazy.

And then we learn, that for the love of God The Brother is redoing the nurse.  LORD! Then Offspring ruins all last week's sexy times with some wacked out womb conversation from The Brother. Nurse Nasty dumps Jimmy and I try to care.

Nina walks into the nursery and I worry she is about to baby nap. Nina's freaking out: and there isn't a scarf or jangling necklace to save her.

"Hang up" "No, you hang up"

After another visit to the balcony of respite, she then overhears what she thinks is Patrick calling her an imposition and immediately jumps to the worst conclusion. Because overhearing half a conversation never ever meant rainbows and good times and was never ever a misunderstanding because you didn't immediately and casually ask the person what they meant.

I warned you the green would spread.

Back at the Greenhouse, while Nina continues to spiral, Patrick seems to have an artistic spider web hanging on his wall, and much like Nina's mind it's intricate and very likely to fall apart when touched. They both seem to freak out a little about the possibility of living together so soon. Patrick gives her space by taking a shower but Nina decides to leave.

Now, where did I put my green undies.

Nina drives around some more in her Mazda 3 and ignores her iPhone of doom and a shirtless Patrick. I almost ended the show.

After far too long, Billie and the Brother try to bash the Mama’s door down and surprise surprise Mama Proudman has done a runner. Shady Proudman behavior

I don't take requests so don't even ask for Kylie.

Mick in some side stuff has to write a song for some business friend and then when the business friend comes to hear it, meets Andrew, Mick's brother. Mick sings the fixed song and ends up serenading his brother and Nina's torment. Thank you Offspring for the one two punch of shirtless Patrick and singing Mick.

Nina again runs into her Dad and they have a conversation that while predictable right down to the 'you're are the only Father' but is still touching and is interrupted of course by the iPhone of Doom.

Mama Proudman thinks a beckoning text is the classist option and Nina heads off to face down the tart. The defence starts off with 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' excuse, reminding everyone that Dad Proudman was a cheater too. Again, the classy continues. Mama Proudman then decides to drop inappropriate secret bombs including dropping Billie on her head as a baby. I would have believed that more if the Brother was dropped on his head.

Basically Mama Proudman went on a sexy bender for a week, seducing her ways across the local council and local GP’s. She breathes a sigh of relief as if her revelations of narrowing it down makes everything fine and everyone should now just chill.

Billie tries to reassure Nina by telling her that it's great they're not alike because now she feels better about not making the most of her genes. It isn't the greatest inspirational speeches but it gets the job done.

Look into my eyes, you want to wear a green shirt.

Nina returns to the Green House and now Patrick is wearing a green shirt. After the sheets, the shirt, the towel, I’m beginning to wonder if the set dressers for Offspring are colour blind and no one wanted to say anything.

Then Patrick declares, let's move in together in a new place (secretly he wants to say, I’m trying to escape this green disease that’s overcome me and my house) and inner hipster Melbourne apartments prepare yourself, Dr Nutcase and Dr Sexy Brooder are house hunting.

Offspring Pic Recap: Everything Won't Ever Be Fine

And we're BACK! If you know me from Twitter, then you'll know my long-standing love hate affair with Offspring. If not, head here to read my problems with the show but also what I love. And let's be frank, I do love elements of the show (Eddie Perfect, I'm looking pretty squarely at you here!).

Let's get to the RECAP:

Last season Nina finally made a choice, of course with much internal narration, between her two great loves.

The brooding, confused and prone to disappearing with scant but a letter Dr Chris.
 

I'm outtie Nina, LA calls!

And Dr Patrick - he also of brooding, troubled background but of sexy man hands, rebel tattoo and the best wounded puppy stare.

Pick me? Pick me?!

We also have the Wacky Zany Proudman family, of which I have great issues with. Billie, I can deal with but The Brother and The Parents - I can't handle their dramas.

We're just so cra-cra-crazy.

And we kick off the season perfectly! Nina and Patrick in bed!

WTF with the lime green sheets?

Nina of course refuses to accept things are and can be normal and fears happiness is its own curse. And then, like every girl I know, imagines cartoon bombs dropping in her oddly coloured bed.

Ally McBeal's Australian cousin

Patrick then raises the bar of sexy TV boyfriends by assuring Nina that everything is fine and then makes every woman in Australia weak at the knees by allaying Nina's fears by going down on her. Men of Australia, ladies love to be reassured by oral sex!

After the break Nina is looking fine in yellow and chatting with Billie about her happiness/sexy times while Billie is complaining about the complete opposite with her new hubbie Mick. Patrick continues to understand Australian womens' wants by returning from his run, removing tshirt and basically rocking his tattoo abs of glory for the Proudman sisters - and Australia. Be proud Matt Le Nevez, be very proud of that there body.
 

Yes, this picture was completely necessary for this recap

Nina then talks about how randy they have been and well played to Offspring, we get yet another glorious sex scene.

After Nina's dry spell, this is SO much better!

Meanwhile Nurse Friend Cherie is chatting to oddly endearing Dr Martin about her bombshell DNA coaster discovery - Nina ain't no Proudman. Cherie asks why it’s always her that hurls the grenades into the Proudman Family.  Cherie, honey, this one, I’ll give you a pass on - Nina’s paternity issues, but seriously, you only recently slept with her Dad – you built the last ‘I’m having my best friend’s Dad’s kid’ grenade all by yourself.

Cherie then utters the phrase that all drama/sitcom/Jersey Shore episodes are built around, the ‘I will tell them the big dark secret, just not right now, I’ll find the perfect moment.’ Because life always presents perfect moments to tell your friend that you don’t believe her father is her actual biological father – those moments pop up all the time!

Billie and the Brother have a weird awkward 'I can’t get pregnant, you knocked up some random girl who is occasionally in the show' conversation that continues to stretch the ‘we’re so kooky’ elements of my patience with Offspring.

It is all redeemed though by Mick uttering the most Australian manly sexiest phrase ever ‘Fuck mulch’ as prelude to sex, that he and Billie have been missing out on.

Awwh Mick, you so fine

Billie and Mick then make a sex pact to not go longer than four days without doing it. The Four Day Sex Pact (4DSP) which is said in good faith by Billie is of course, set to provide us with episodes of sexual hilarity, I’m sure.

Billie and Mick also decide to get back on the 'let's have a baby campaign' and decide Mick's gay brother Andrew is again, their perfect candidate. After last year's horribly sad lost the baby episode in which both Kat Stewart and Eddie Perfect made me cry, I hope this arc ends better for them.

Semen = See Men

Billie, in her wildly over the top ways, decides that single Andrew deserves in return for his semen, that he actually get to see men and she’s decided to help find him a man.

After some more Offspring-style nonsense including The Parents questioning The Brother's shagfest baby's paternity and Billie hitting on anyone with a penis, we catch up with a too happy Nina (seriously, her scarf count is low, she is too happy) and Patrick double dating with Mick and Billie.

We're so happy and pretty

At the 20 minute mark of  episode, Nina's iPhone of doom beckons with the official first ring of the season right after someone utters‘I guess I’m just not cut out for this true love thing, like you.’  Do you think those two things are RELATED?

Of course, tragedy has struck - Nina and Patrick in their sex lust (sadly no flashback here), basically dropped gasoline on a wood pile and then built a fire and left her apartment for it to burn down. After saving the few owls Nina was sure to want, they return to the Proudman family home and Nina foreshadows the shit out of the next sequence by paying ultra special attention to her BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Cherie, who of course has her special radar of 'let's crap on a Proudman family moment' on high alert, has come over. She decides, that this moment, when Nina has lost nearly all her worldly possessions is the right time to pull out the bomb and announce her 'you ain't your baby daddy' news. And with extra sensitivity, she does it with her iPhone.

You Are a Bastard App

While the Proudman's confront Mama Parent, Patrick continues his episode streak of being awesome by going outside to delay a returning Papa Parent and spare him the public humilation of hearing his wife is just as loose as he is, except she lied about it.

Sadly, a standard requirement of any Offspring episode is the family confrontation scene in which people reveal secrets, others are disappointed and everyone thanks God their family isn't as screwed as the Proudman family.

Nina claims she's all good, fine, totally okay with it, absolutely sorted, I'M FINE!!!! Still, we end the episode with Nina have sad on Patrick's staircase. And like the badass superstar boyfriend he is, he wakes up, comes out and comforts her, shirtless.

My six pack and tattoo will help this situation