Girls: You'll Hate it Til You Don't

I was semi-bullied into watching the first season of HBO’s headline grabbing Girls. Seriously, someone offered me a full refund on the entire season if I watched it all and then still hated it. And from the articles I’d read and vitriolic reaction I’d seen on social media, this was money for jam people.



We're annyoing, but we'll grow on you. Like fungus, or Big Brother shuffle ads.

The pilot episode and even the second episode were horrendous. Not in a reality TV awful way, but an acutely self-aware, central characters despising, epically smart annoying way. Flashy moments of ‘look how real and non-conventional we are’ with characters talking to each on the toilet, pissed me off to the point of wanting to smack my computer screen. How would I survive a whole season of this bullshit? And when I queried people on whether to keep watching, the reactions were so strong either for or against – here was a TV show that truly polarized people.

But then a funny thing happened. Actual depth and layers started sneaking into the characters. Sure, they are still at times utterly detestable and the choices they make are still eye bleeding offensive but I managed to see the show more for what it was: an examination of how girls are in their early twenties and I stopped hating the characters and started pitying them.

The central character is a wannabe essayist (not writing her memoirs, she’s writing essays) who in the pilot episode demands her parents support her financially and cracks the absolute sads when they refuse this - seriously, you already want to smack her in the first ten minutes, she is that pissy. James Franco wrote in opinion piece, declaring this girl should shut the fuck up and get a job like everyone else has to. It’s not often that I would agree with James Franco, but in this point I did whole heartedly.

However, as the episodes continue on, I’ve came to pity Hannah. Her light a fire to get attention in her social life behaviour, her delusions of literary grandeur and superiority were all so twenty four and painfully so. Her fundamental operandi is ‘I am so right in my life and I will reflect on my personal relationships in a way no one ever has before and it won’t be long before the entire world will marvel at my insightful observations.’

The mistake is to believe that this is the show’s agenda as well, that it believes itself to be a voice of a generation and we will marvel at its amazingness when in fact, it’s in on the joke. Girls, and the title is a big clue, in their early twenties are in fact often stupid, arrogant idiots and the show understands this.

Sure, it’s a generalisation and sure, the portrayals we’re given here from uber-aware Hannah, wannabe sophisticate Marnie, the too cool for cool British girl (with her affected accent and general smugness that is SO Madonna in London) and the hilariously naïve Soshanna, miss a whole bunch of girls who never behaved like this.  But in New York, you’re more than likely going to find a greater concentration of these pretenders than anywhere else.

So what started for me as a hate-watch show and a way to possibly make easy money on my critical analysis has now become interesting and intriguing, uncomfortable and oddly hilarious viewing. And while I can’t offer a money back refund, I encourage those who’ve watched only the first few eps to push through – it’s ‘officially’ worth.

Offspring Character In Depth: Patrick Reid

Well colour me impressed ladies and gents! The Offspring comments section continues to fire with smart, insightful and interesting commentary on the series – so much so that I’m loathe to contribute because the bulk of my comments would be simply ‘Yeah, what she said!’ and ‘Oh yes, that too’ and ‘yep, that’s so true.’

Still, I won’t go quiet on you all just because I don’t want to sound stupid. I thought in the long break before The Proudmans and Co return, we could now look at the characters individually, break into who they are, what makes them tick.

Of course, the prime candidate to launch this is our resident Doc McBroody.

Sexy leaning since 2010

Let’s get it out of the way early, Matt Le Nevez is hot. Broody wounded hot. The sexy tattoo is hot, which I believe is the actor’s and just happens to be nice symmetry to wire around his body to his current character. The staring at Nina is hot. The dark man in scrubs is hot. The shirtless running is hot. The hallway sexy times are hot. There is no denying this and as the leading man he was setup to be, it’s a very good thing.

Patrick Plus: That Patrick, in some ways is an ultra-stereotype, with the broody, non-communication and he still manages to work is a plus. He has the perfect requisite sad tormented background and while he’d like to pretend he’s burying it all with success, the audience is via Nina exposed on the very rare glimpses to his deepest wounds and it is to Matt Le Nevez credit that this often happens without assistance of the script. He’s often, especially in this season, been asked to convey oh so much with so very little words and the big tick for Patrick Reid, is that we get it. We the viewers are despite the sometimes increasing frustration levels, on his side. We want better for Patrick but we understand that he can never be healed completely, hey presto life is laugh filled Friends episode. The wounds that he bears are also valid and real. This loss he’s experienced is life shaking, ground breaking reality and of course, it’s going to stick with him forever.

Patrick’s joy is also something to behold. The dream sequence smile and then his actual smile at finding Nina pregnant were both fantastic heartfelt moments in the show. His rooftop car park scene with Nina’s biological Dad, in which he connected the two’s slightly scattered behaviour with a sly grin, was touching and tender and showed us who Patrick could one day be: sensitive and sincere.

I also really enjoyed pissy Patrick. The VERY brief encounter between Patrick and Fitzroy Jesus, was actually, in my book, incredibly funny. The dislocating the shoulder laid it on thick for sure, but the resulting under his breath insults that he threw out combined with the dirty glares, gave Patrick’s occasionally one-tone broody a fresh flavour.

Crimes Against Reid: The other side of the coin is that Patrick is often a jerky broody cliché. The romantic brooding hero is of course, a classic story telling staple and in a contemporary setting, seen everywhere. The challenge though is making this character dimensional and at times, we lose Patrick’s dimensionality. He becomes almost deliberately, by the writers’ choice, tough and wounded. At moments when clearly, there is a misunderstanding and any slightly rational adult would comprehend and course correct, he becomes obtuse with Nina and so withdrawn that he looks to have chosen to become a selective mute.  The bowling alley car park sequence in which both Nina and Patrick admitted to bringing to worst out in each other, was by far, one of the most frustrating scenes of this season. Often with Patrick, I feel the writers’ created this amazing dialogue first and then give it to Patrick second. Sometime no matter how great the words, if they don’t fit the character or worst, you withhold them from the character because his defining ‘trait’ is not saying anything, then we lose connection.

The other major crime against Patrick Reid is the backstory conundrum. It feels like the writers haven’t quite grasped his drug addiction and how he stepped away from it and managed to recover enough to be functional. It feels as this was a great ‘broody’ stereotype to give this new character and now that we’re well into Patrick Reid and his life, they’re not quite sure how it makes him whole. This would also go for Patrick’s poorly used sister, who escaped an abusive relationship and is raising a child solo yet we lost this storyline the second it didn’t serve the A story. Patrick’s druggie past is often referenced when they want to give him a sense of danger or that he’s always going to be a challenge but it doesn’t feel connected to who he is now. I’m not expecting him to layout the awful terrible times for Nina, but the way in which we flirt with this backstory is tricky and feels awkward.

Smile like you mean it! Smile like we want it!

The break throughs: As noted by some very smart commenters in the comments section of the Season Four posts, Patrick’s finale episode ‘break through’ moment felt rushed, undeserved and settled not much. I give Offspring on a pass on this as they were writing in an uncertain future, and I appreciate their desire to not leave fans on a possible forever cliff hanger. However, it’s absolutely true. The Season Two finale in the street with him asking not for pity, or a second place consolation prize relationship was so much more real, so genuine and the words they spoke felt like Patrick and Nina. What, it seems, is universally acknowledge, is that Patrick’s family declaration, while hot and rom-com awesome, wasn’t enough to sweep away all the questions. As character, he needs to grow and a big part of this is question both his coping mechanisms and how they work with Nina.

In short: Patrick Reid is a beautiful, burdened, thoughtful character who needs to have levels other than ‘Broody’ for us to continue to invest in his emotional journey both as a future father, lover and man. And he should speak French as much as possible. 

And just because, you know, it's been a long winter and ladies, we need a treat every now and then. The best of Patrick shirtless (I promise, this won't turn into a Tumblr squeal est!) And Matt Le Nevez, I apologise for the blatant perv fest below but, boy you look like you worked hard for those abs, let us celebrate them for you. In a totally non-creepy way!

So let's go, unleash your Patrick Reid thoughts.

The Random Pop Culture Gather

The rumbles, the rambles and gatherings from around the internet and celebrity pop culture world. Join in with your theories - it's like the watercooler at the office, without the office or watercooler (BYO you're own water peeps, I'm cheap.)

KStew and her ‘actions’ – while the Twilight fan-girls cry rivers of tears over the ruin laid on the house of Robsten, I just to have ask ‘what were you doing making out in the car?’ Seriously, I’m sure plenty of hotels have handy rooms for the randy meet ups without the prying paparazzi eyes. Also, I never thought I’d say this, but I feel sorry for R Patz. Think of the hunt for the first photo of him?

So I might have something to admit to?!

Chris Hemsworth's a DILF – Apparently Chris Hemsworth and Elsa don’t own a pram, because he is carrying that baby EVERYWHERE. Look, I’m not complaining, Big Thor arms holding a tiny baby is pretty damn cute but the photos have leaked, we’ve seen the shots, put the baby DOWN!

Thor Baby - awwwwh!

The Bachelorette – I’ve discussed my weird fascination with reality romance shows and The Bachelorette just finished in the US with Jef (yes, one f) winning Emily’s heart. He’s totes cute and I LOVE HIM! It probably not real, but please, just let me believe. Also, I may now be stalking their relationship via Instagram - yes, I know it's sad.



This week’s PR Campaign Plan – Zac Efron needs to start dating again, he’s been single a fraction too long and it’s time to showmance him with someone that will help his career and his efforts to be taken seriously as an adult and further move him away from High School Musical Memories. Who do you suggest setting him up with?

Please help de-Douchebag me

Offspring: Season Four Wants and Wishes

Between the epic recovery of the season finale and now, the amazing news that not only has Offspring been signed for a new season, it’s getting two! What excites me about this is that much like critical darling Friday Night Lights which was given a similar double sign up, giving a series time to plot, and correctly map out their characters arcs will only benefit the audience. And on a far less ‘intelligent’ level, the promise of shirtless Patrick Reid is always there!

Post the finale, many of you wonderful commenters (SERIOUSLY, I love you all so much, it makes me so happy when I get my email alerts to see everyone firing off ideas days later) started brainstorming ideas about what you do and don’t want to see moving forward. Well, let me join you.

Top 5 Things We Want to See in Offspring Season 4

Happy Patrick, it's not a crime.

Nina & Patrick ON – This whole on/off, scamper to motel anytime the going got rough has GOT to stop. I do believe they have problems, I do believe these weren’t solved with a slap bang public declaration in the unscramble everything season finale. I don’t believe they need to break up, or be constantly on the rocks to add drama to a relationship.

Andrew – I LOVED Andrew, I loved how he was introduced slowly, how he sort of just became part of the show and then before you know it, I was totally invested in Andrew, wanting him and Tim to get together. I want him back, I want to explore more of the brother relationship. I think the sibling chemistry that Eddie Perfect and Dan Spielman have is amazing and translates just as well as Asher Keddie and Kat Stewart. I loved that we got to see a gay relationship on screen that was as complicated and normal as their straight counterparts – let’s see more of this.

The Season Finale Doc Dad – I never ‘felt’ Doc Dad. Sure he was the bumbling, buffoonery, missed life’s opportunity man, and he got caught in Mama Proudman’s web of selfishness but I just didn’t enjoy it UNTIL a very specific moment. His scene on the roof of the car park with Patrick was Gary McDonald beauty. He was tender, sweet yet tinged with his own angst at a life of regret. He influenced Patrick without scaring him and it was one of my very favourite scenes in the finale for both actors.

Adult Jimmy – Quite possibly one of the greatest moves of Season Three was to grow Jimmy. It took a while, and I was about ready to lose my shit during the beads tugging episode (yes, that really happened). In the back stretch however, Jimmy became strong, Jimmy became dependable and without losing his childlike joy. As a counterbalance to Zara, it works but LORD help me, I don’t want any more stupid wacky let’s break into my not girlfriend’s house shenanigans.

Martin Clegg – It is a truth universal acknowledge that Offspring has a deep roster of supporting actors who in their limited scenes bring humour, drama and more each week without getting the adoration. By far, this season best performer in the supporting team has to be Lachy Hulme and his fantastic consistent Martin Clegg. I HATE the hurried proposal to Cherie (despite the location!) and I hate how Cherie gets to run that relationship whenever she isn’t determined to complicate the Proudman’s with her sex life. I love the idea of a man so logic driven, so bizarrely his own that conventional wisdom wouldn’t mature, let’s see more of that please!.

Top 5 Things We Don’t Want to See in Season Four Offspring

Shirtlessness for the home ONLY. Cancel the Best Western Motel membership.

Regression Patrick – If there is any drug relapse, alcoholic spiral or motel disappearance from Patrick Reid then I’m going to go all Billie Proudman on his ASS! He has issues, we know, he is reclusive, we know. He DOESN’T have to be a drug addict that pops up on the weeks when we need drama.

Ash Cloud Plots – Alright I understand that Kat Stewart is allowed to have a baby, so are other actors but really, if they come to you producers during the hiatus and announce a pregnancy, figure out something less stupid that an ash cloud, that interrupts a plot so dramatically that we barely made it out of the season alive.

Fitzroy Jesus People – Sorry Fitzroy Jesus, but you were never a viable option. You were always a decoy and it was very obvious. At least with the Chris Havel/Patrick choice, there was actual reasoning to both sides. As part of Patrick and Nina, we want no new decoy ‘temptations’ – don’t even think about casting a hot new Doctor at Patrick’s new hospital so Nina can freak out about what he’s doing at work. JUST DON’T

No Sexy Times – Listen, I’m not ashamed to admit, I love myself a sexy time on screen. You’ve obviously given Matt Le Nevez the broody leading man role brief and that’s great. Just remember to bring sexy times. Some of the best scenes this season involved Nina and Patrick actually shutting the hell up and getting down to business! Maybe they could fire up RealEstate.com.au again.

Feisty Orange Issues – This was a badly handled, badly solved plot. I never understood the apparent ‘connection’ Feisty and Mick had beyond the music. One ‘this is my opinion’ fight does not make a marriage ending love fest in my book. I hated the resolution in the wine aisle of Feisty Issues almost as much as Nina/Patrick’s resolution and this whole type of thing should be avoided at all costs. ALL COSTS

Use my balcony! Never forget!

The Quick Fire Top 5 List

1. More green sheets!
2. Scarf hilarity!
3. Nurse Kym snarky awesomeness
4. The Chris Havel Memorial Balcony
5. iPhone of Doom

Do you agree? Do you disagree? Hit the comments people!

Offspring Recap: Births, No Deaths and Modern Day Marriages.

Previously on Offspring, Nina’s pregnant pause as we wait for blood tests to confirm Broody Bub and it’s her birthday! Mick became Public Douchebag No. 1 by emotionally siding with Feisty Orange and then hanging up on Billie. Alfie took a turn for the worst, and the Proudman’s await news!

Nina does a bit of her job, to kick of the episode, zooming in and out of baby land and clearly showing poor Nina won’t be able to get her mind off babies on her birthday. A LOT of baby talk in the first sentence there! Also at the hospital, Little Alfie is still struggling on, and Zara has basically moved into the Proudman Emotional Lounge.

You thought I was broody sexy, wait till you see fatherly sexy. You'll be screaming!

In the park of fancy sunny Melbourne that looks oddly like a New York nod, Billie is seeing visions of Mick/Feisty Orange, visions that are actually physically painful. Cherie seems to be back in lecture mode, being the bastion of sensibility and normalcy – whose Dad did you want to re-impregnate you again? Nina sympathises, as a lifetime fantasy see. In her fantasy sequence/flash forward (is this Lost?) apparently Nina believes Patrick made himself clear about not wanting a baby and repeats this during her delivery. Nina has a tizzy meltdown in the park, because she can’t separate Patrick from the baby as a choice and this forces her to literally run off into the park and to his doorstep.

I'm here to replace the sex vase that I broke.

Safely avoiding all drinks offered, they have a chat at the scene of the sexy hallway crime, Nina rambles into her I am woman who can raise a baby solo chant and Patrick with his pure inability to say ANYTHING, lets her drive a wedge between them. He then birthday gifts them a once couple planned five day horse trip, which we learn Nina ‘always’ wanted to do. In Nina’s fantasy she rides horses holding hands, which from my many years watching McLeod’s Daughters experience can tell her is not a good idea.

Farmer Wants a Highly Neurotic Flighty Female Wife

Doc Dad calls not with baby news and completely forgets that Nina actually might be waiting. He also has a wildly large present that is making up for all the years he missed! It’s lovely but then weirdly stalker like and means Nina will always check under the bed for Doc Dad. Darcy interrupts them, and in the awkward conversation it is revealed to Nina that Mama Proudman is continuing her completely selfish ways of doing her own thing first, and foremost.

Feisty Orange and Mick are appearing on The Circle and in a Billie fantasy scene, revealing all their very personal news on live TV. I know some Circle producers, this wouldn’t fly. In reality, they sing the, of course, lovely song with keyboards facing each other like Elton John and Billie Joel but with less sequins and more sexual chemistry. Billie, from seeing their singing chemistry is emo sad and decides singing to herself in the mirror, in an off key, weird tone is in no way going to help her feel happy.

The Circle, now with more gazing duets. Still less Chrissie Swan.

Nina goes home for a shower and discovers some bleeding, and this confirms in her mind, she’s not pregnant which is then further misery-ed by Billie’s arrival. Post ad break, Nina has decided she was just period late, and not pregnant but still Billie looks quizzically at her boobs. The baby-gone offer has made Nina realise that maybe she wanted a Broody Bub. Billie offers to untell Patrick, which after her epic rant on his cowardice, I would pay to see. Billie says accidents can be unifying and this could get them back together.

Maybe if you'd had green sheets, he would have stayed?

Alfie is on the mend, getting better – everyone heads to the hospital to celebrate – which seems too SOON. Nina has a very sweet conversation with baby Alfie and marvels at tiny baby fingers, which really, shouldn’t everyone? Tiny baby fingers are awesome.

Awwh!

Darcy decides to one up Doc Dad in the Nina Birthday Stakes that includes finding a party venue close to the hospital. 
Zara asks Nurse Kym to be Alfie’s Godmother and I applaud the choice, don’t drag more Proudmans into this, he’s got their DNA, that’s enough.

Mick and Feisty arrive back from the TV appearance and she tries to start a farewell, Mick still offers his emotionally cheating heart services on keys but she stays ‘strong’ and farewells him and they part without actually, having done anything, except stare longingly and release a moderately successful single.

Australia would have bitch slapped the shit out of me, if you'd left Billie.

Patrick comes and talks with Jimmy at Alfie’s bedside and we learn that Patrick has been around a bit helping support the Jara (Jimmy-Zara, it's their new name, get on board). Patrick marvels at tiny baby toes. If Nina and Patrick’s fingers don’t meet over tiny baby torso, then it’s a missed opportunity.

Awwh!! 2.0

Top Deck: Level Broody at the car park and Nina runs into Patrick and his Volvo of angst. Patrick however, is buoyant with his enthusiasm about wanting to be involved in Nina’s not Broody Bub. She breaks it to him, that no deal, just major PMS case and repeats her ‘I wish this had never Happened’ mantra and of course, the miscommunication of Nina not shutting up causes Patrick to again, shut down.

Farewell Chris Havel Balcony, emotional confrontations take place here now!

In the space of a few minutes and an undone pregnancy scare, the Proudman family have managed to rustle up a full fancy dress party with impressive costumes in a hospital. Mick arrives announcing to Billie he is pissed off, and willing to get over Billie’s apparent way getting. When they go on an alcohol run, he continues to be a douche, blaming her for his feelings. They both desperately agree to not become Patrick and Nina and then suddenly become wise sages in the Sav Blanc section and we get old-school, vintage flavour Mick back, and they agree to support each other and not read into chemistry. Mick also agrees to keep his pants on and Billie runs off with plans to make amends.

Sav Blanc makes the world turn and couples stay together. FACT!

Billie heads to Feisty Orange’s, and declares that she will beg to get him back, because she wants him to be the best version of himself he can.
Back at Costume Party of Awkward Emotions, Patrick declares liking the Proudmans manic weirdness because it’s nice. As the music is raised louder and louder, they can’t hear each other – and we can’t be hit in the head anymore on this message. Billie arrives back, with Feisty and Wagging Son in tow and peace is reigning in the valley. Darcy and Mama Proudman make a semi-amends also and both apologise for being slutty at various points in their lives.

What? Oh, me, just hanging this thing, flexing my stare muscles.

Nina and Patrick stare at each in a lusty, angsty way for a VERY long time. It’s like their SIXTEEN. He retreats to Top Deck: Broody Level and he runs into Doc Dad, and they meet for the first time (really?), Doc Dad is charmingly awkward and Patrick is smiling with his deep seated Nina love. Doc Dad gives Patrick a real push in the step up direction, reminding that regret is no way to live but without the added pressure that causes Patrick to hide in motel rooms.

I take your broody stare and raise you a damsel in costume stare!

Nina catches up with Jimmy and they share a little mutual love, and advice giving. Then Jara catch up and she declares her reserved yet deep love for Jimmy. They decide to try and the Indian makes out like a bandit. Cherie tells Clegg, that she’s free to bone the bunny, but she’s not sure what means beyond that.

Shit! I didn't nominate a safety word.

Back at the costume party where everyone’s costumes magically fit quite well. We’ve blindfolded Nina, and she is either dying or party pin-yaddering as Patrick and her life flashes before her eyes. The entire party also learns that Nina was possibly pregnant and everyone, seriously, everyone discusses how no one is quite sure why they broke up, Nina’s confusion over the Patrick kids issue and just basically recapped my recaps of the past thirteen weeks. 

Just as Nina’s about to lose it with all their thoughts, Patrick shows up and steps up MAN STYLE, clearly and loudly announces that he LOVES her, WANTS to be with HER and would have LOVED the baby. And they PASH THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT!

I HAVE EMOTIONS! I WANT TO FEEL!

Then Doc Dad reveals that thanks to an iPhone of Non-Doom, Nina is actually pregnant. She isn’t so sure, but a dash through the hospital in costume mixed with a dance montage, is awesome. Dance montages seriously make everything better, without fail.

The couple that ultrasounds together, stays together.

Together the two doctors perform a super sexy ultra sound, with sexy undressing and sexy mood lighting to determine if we’ve got a Broody Bub and there it is! And the smile that Patrick greets Nina with IS DAZZLING! DAMN YEAH! And that’s Season Three folks!

It's a full beam, LEVEL TEN PATRICK REID SMILE PEOPLE!

Sound off in the comments below and don't forget that I'll be looking back at the season that was in the coming days.

Offspring Season Three Finale Is Coming!

We're only a few days away from the season finale of Season Three of Offspring (what!?). I noticed that a few people were reading some of the mags that hinted at plot points and were very kind to not put spoilers in the episode recap. Firstly, good job! Second, I've created this post so you can attack those spoilers with zest! If you're spoiler-phobe don't click into the comments section otherwise let's do this! Simple as that!

And on another note, I'll be doing my post episode recap as per usual on Wednesay night but after that, I'm going to take a look back at the season that was, the highs, the lows, best on grounds. So stick around a little while longer if you're interested in that or follow me as I get back to my usual blogging/vlogging. Big important issues like my favourite celebrity couples are not too far away! Yep, ground breaking stuff, Fours Corners should be on notice.

Offspring Recap: No Vacancies in Nina's Womb

Previously on Offspring, Fitzroy Jesus and Nina shared their last meal, Mick raised the stakes on how frustrating a character can be, when last season it was nothing but love and most of Australia was confused as to why Nina and Patrick actually broke up and oh yeah, foreshadowing finally turned into plotline with the 'Is Nina Pregnant?' storyline moving to A status.

We pick up last week right where we left off. Nina, after deciding P stands for Possibly Pregnant, in her diary, fantasizes about a mother contraception intervention that really isn't helpful but to remind us that Nina at times is a special brand of nutty and apparently an episode long gag that all mother’s should be giving very specific detailed sex chats to their daughters.

Like a Kardashian, you need a TV wedding first young lady!

Nina isn't quite sure what to do, and hates the unresolved Patrick-ness of the situation – how does it feel to you Nina, because Australia has had this all week?! Also it's Nina's birthday tomorrow! Put on your party hats because Darcy wants to throw a celebration with everyone. Meanwhile, Cherie has gone to the next level of crazy and decided Darcy needs to impregnate her NOW, as in today. Cherie is becoming Jimmy with suggestion wacky shit for no real reason at all.

I've written some fan-fiction about you and Doc Martin

Nina later tries to stealth bomb into the hospital to test herself for a potential Broody Bub. Through circumstance Nina has to answer the phone at the hospital and hello, it’s Patrick ringing and they have a mini-discussion in which he totally gets her and also remembers her birthday without prompting. He is also charming funny and laughing, there is actual daylight hours laughter people!

Mama Proudman forces Jimmy and Zara to take the day off from Alfie watch and this can't be good (damn you Offspring FB and your teaser scenes). Cherie busts Nina attempting to take her own blood and then hypocritically lectures her about safe sex (CHERIE, HOW DID RAY HAPPEN? A FREAKING BOOZE CRUISE!) and then helps her pull blood. Doc Martin also busts them, and finds out Patrick is chief suspect in Nina's no vacancy sign potential hanging over Nina’s womb.

I've heard doorway sex is hot - who from? My friend...Smatrick.

Mick is still continuing to be a passive aggressive jerk wad, and fighting with Billie – defiant he is going on tour. She correctly identifies Mick's vibing with Feisty Orange and after a phone call, turns the tables by checking his phone for incriminating messages – which for a moment loses Billie the upper hand of being right in my book.

Darcy and Mama Proudman catch up with Cherie and Nina at the hospital and in ‘way too far into personal details you would never discuss with your parents’ land, they all try to break the news that Cherie continues to be cut snake crazy and wants Darcy to impregnate her. Mama Proudman excuses Cherie and Nina and then busts out on Darcy with her news that she is dating Nina's biological Dad and then salt to the wound, very specifically adds, is rooting him.  Darcy is flummoxed by this development, having asked Mama Proudman to close her legs for a little while to Doc Dad and storms out.

Mick and Feisty Orange catch up and Feisty Orange sacks Mick from the tour claiming she can recognize the danger signs and doesn't want to put his marriage at risk. DOES NOBODY HAVE ANY WILL POWER? Mick seems truly shattered and angry and I feel for him but at the same DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE AND THERE WON'T BE A PROBLEM. They also have this conversation in a loft apartment where Feisty Orange’s impressionable son can and will hear. Excellent parenting work Feisty.

So does this mean the new Dad you promised me is leaving?

Doc Martin is also flummoxed, about knowing the Nina baby daddy news, and realises that he can't see new bestie Patrick for squash (seriously? Squash?) because he will spill beans. Patrick the foxy minx lures him to a squash game with the promise of not questioning the Nina drama – YEAH RIGHT P-DOG, nobody believes that.

Billie runs into Feisty Orange's son who has wagged school and stalked Mick to his residential address (be afraid of stalker children who just turn up, have you seen The Shining!) claiming that he misses Mick and they call Mick but his phone is under the bed. Back in music indie land Feisty Orange is in tizz looking for her vagrant son and when Mick comes back to fight some more then they go hunting for Ollie. They leave, Billie returns, trying to do the right thing and bring him home but it’s empty at Casa Potential Infidelity.
Annoying wagging son interrogates Billie mid open for inspection about her infertility and Billie is herself but touching all in the same moment.

Nina visits her Dad for secret blood testing and while lovely and supportive, I still think lucky for Nina he is a Doc and not a painter. In their discussion Nina says that Patrick is anti-kids but SERIOUSLY when the fuck did he say that? I know they had a night time chat about it, but didn’t he just give her the old broody eyes and not answer. She questions having kids alone, and the choices she is left with at 35. She questions whether to tell him, but decides to wait post blood test – good sensible call that will of course be undone by others. iPhone of Doom beckons and Billie's tagging out the kid to Nina.

Jimmy and Zara have lovely new parents time, and discuss why Zara wanted to keep Alfie and it's a mix of compliments and passive aggressive put downs to Jimmy. Christ! He pulls out a box and nearly scares the shit out of me but it's a necklace of shared parenting and no real agenda and Zara is happy with this baby step of romance.

I got you an Shuffle - awesome right?

In silent squash, Doc Martin is trying to zip the lip but Patrick is working harder for Nina goss and Clegg cracks like a slightly leaky watering can. Doc Martin has to physically run away to avoid revealing anymore but leaves Patrick wondering if Nina is sick.

As if you could resist my best broody shy guy look Cleggie.

Billie apparently is the womb whisperer and merely by looking at Nina she can see/feel that Nina is potentially pregnant. This shatters Billie and God Bless Kat Stewart and her acting for that scene works on many levels and continues to chip away at Billie in this episode in slow heartbreaking ways. Nina is dually shaken by her sister's lack of compassion but her iPhone of Doom keeps on beckoning with Patrick's calls.
 

Broody Bub - are you in there? Hello?

Chris Havel Memorial Balcony has new lovers in the house. Doc Martin puts the hard, hard word on Cherie and proposes - WTF! - but she brushes him off with a charming 'get fucked' and heads off to Darcy awkward sexy times with all the forced merriment of their ship board romance courtesy of the good ship P and O Season 1. Cherie can't handle the nerves and busts out laughing, and clearly the Doc Martin kisses have power as it’s just not working for Darcy and Cherie.  Cherie also realizes that Doc Martin adores her and this seems to be enough for her to reconsider the whole shebang.

I've heard the balcony is a romance hot spot, or wait, was that dead spot?

Billie and Wagging Son, have a heart to heart and it's revealed that Feisty Orange fired Mick from tour and it’s because of Billie and chip, chip again, it’s AWKWARD.

At Nina's home, she is woken from her nap by Patrick, and tries to avoid him but he sees her. Romeo and Juliet on the balcony style, Patrick says the jig is sort of up, so tell me the deets. She comes down her balcony (the normal way sadly) and he asks her if she's pregnant. Her preggers pauses gives him a moment of heartbreaking lovely joy mixed with confusion (seriously, the slight hitch in the breath that Matt Le Nevez gives the line reading is beautiful). He asks if it's his, which honestly is a fair call because how would he know that Fitzroy Jesus and Nina had their last supper?

As Taylor Swift would say: it's a love story, baby, just say yes!

Mama Proudman calls in a fizzle, Alfie is in danger.

Nina races to the hospital and soon after Zara and Jimmy arrive, then Darcy and Cherie and then Billie into the newly christened Proudman Family Lounge of Hospital Emotion. Alfie’s in trouble and Zara nails her side scene of torment and again, the Offspring supporting actors truly step up in their moments.

You're right, she is acting the shiz out of this scene.

Mick returns home to pack up and huff off to Sydney for the super important show with Feisty Orange. Billie finally reaches him and he lays into her, angry about Feisty Orange’s wagging son. When he learns that Alfie's in trouble, then and only then he wants to cancel his trip, but Jimmy says nothing to do and pushes him along to Mayor of DickHead Town and then Mick HANGS UP ON HIS WIFE! WHO IS AT THE HOSPITAL!

That's right, douchebag just hung up me! Singing sexy points deducted.

 Alfie is in real trouble and it's so very, very sad and Jane Harber deserves a double shout out of awesome acting. Nina calls Patrick, relays the news and you just know she needs him. She is tells him that if she is pregnant it's definitely his and there is so much unspoken angst and grief and sexy longing I can barely stand it. GET BACK TOGETHER ALREADY!

Just like Batman, brooding in alleyways and ready for the call.

 SEASON FINALE NEXT WEEK- in which Nina had Farmer Wants a Wife Fantasy of some sort, Fitzroy Jesus totally lives up to his name by coming back from the dead and Nina walks around a lot, thinking narrator thoughts.

Offspring Recap: Fifty Shades of Stupid Plot Device Grey

To kick off, apologies for the delayed recap. I was at a function thing, and then arrived home mid-way through the episode and three sheets to the chardonnay wind, and not ready to recap after a troubling ending (not mine, the episode.)

We start the episode with the Proudman sisters attempting to work out, hoping, irrationally that by working out the day before their big events, it will make all the difference. Billie, when chatting with the gym dude, is super honest, Nina in denial. And we’re all left wondering why either one of them are actually at a gym, but neither of them needs to work out – ever!

Can you believe we have to actually exercise for this 'joke' to work?

The Proudman vortex continues to drag people in one by one, with Doc Dad and Patrick’s sister now meeting up and planning a reunion, which when Nina hears of this freaks her out! She drops by Fitzroy Jesus cafe to apologise for the sleeping with the ex-boyfriend and then having ex-boyfriend interrupt their night of fishes and loaves and gospel scriptures. But he’s perked up today and doesn't share a Jesus like compassion, or offer any forgiveness.

No, you can't have a discount on the Coffee Keeper Cups.

Doc Martin is trying to be all relaxed and cool in an effort to lure Cherie to his DNA but of course it’s weird and over the top. Lachy Hulme though is hilarious and continues to be an underrated asset of the Offspring wider family.

With this lustrious mane, she still doesn't want to sex me up. It's crazy man!

Patrick and Nina run through the top moments of their relationship by having a stilted conversation in the locker room. He questions why she is moving strangely (which she is, because apparently a bit of rowing, then treadmill will put your back out). I think she’s moving strangely because you broke her heart, Clam Patrick.

Um, this is awkward, but I've always hated your scarves. Just wanted to say it.

Mick has turned into shady, non information husband and it annoys the CRAP out of me. Where is the man who wanted to marry her desperately, he who stood up to his bitchface mother and dealt with their infertility with equal parts emotion and honesty. I wonder, would the story for this season have been laid down differently if Kat Stewart’s pregnancy hadn't sent her to New Zealand for so long.

Zara of the independence and don’t even think about helping me, is back on deck and spends a few scenes dismissing and almost physically repealing any attempt to assist her with this new motherhood caper, be it emotional or actual help.

Patrick and Nina deliver a baby together (top moment 8) and a few tense moments of maybe the baby is stuck, give way to happy birth and to GIANT ENORMOUS HIT YOU ON THE HEAD foreshadowing that Nina is preggers.

Shall we call her Foreshadowing or Renesmee?

And we're out on the Chris Havel Balcony (top moment 16). Nina lets slip that they're heading out bowling to fare Patrick well and there is some sexy 'pulled your shoulder' chat. Basically a lot of saying nothing when there is everything to say, so really, it’s business as usual for these two.

Back at Nigella Billie Lawson's house of fancy dinner, Feisty Orange and kid rock up with a new Rocket 2 as a present. It's a super loaded present of family awkwardness and I think this even before Billie mentions it.

I bought a new dog, did you buy a new dog Billie? Didn't think so.

Mick then remembers that after Billie spent hours cooking, their guests are vegetarians. Of course, Feisty is super nice about it but Mick seems not too upset that he’s wasted his wife’s attempt to make friends. There is more awkward we're so alike and yet so different and Mick does fuck all because he clearly doesn’t want his future infidelity complicated by, you know, seeing the two women together and getting along.

Last time I listen to Donna Hay - stupid lemon water

After Feisty Orange is gone, Rocket 2 causes friction and then Mick overreacts about Billie's standard style questioning, then turns into a jackass by trying to lump this on her and making it a Billie issue and acting like he’s all cool and not guilty of wanting to jump Feisty Orange. The following day, Mick becomes an even bigger jackass by passively aggressively returning Rocket 2 and then huffily telling her he is going to tour with Feisty, lump it or leave it. JERK!

Excuse me while I get my dickhead t-shirt, so it can match my I am a jerk pants.

At bowling, there is great disappointment on my part that they don't join in the chorus of Let's Bowl from Grease 2.

Patrick the Bowler!: I wanna Score Tonight.

After a bowling montage that must have been fun to film, we get awkward goodbye speeches and Nina nuttiness. We also have continued Doc Martin trying to be cool until Nurse Kim of Truth, calls him on it and I still don't believe Cherie is being such a douchebag about this. Finally in the last few seconds of the episode after not really seeing each other all season Cherie springs it on Darcy that she wants his spawn again. Because looking around her at the Proudman mania, she is totally not scared of reproducing more of this type of hyper aware crazy.

Don't forget Cherie, I was this big!

After a fake out hug between Nina and Patrick we get a catch up in the car park and the iPhone of Doom beckons with a friendly Patrick wanting a proper goodbye. They bond over their interfering relatives.

Smiles, laughs, lemonade - HAPPY FREAKING TIMES!

And then we launch into the most annoying conversation, that inspires season one level of frustration that I have with Offspring. Patrick talks about the fact that his sister has a black and white view (bullshit!), and that their relationship is more grey. I’ll you what Patrick and Nina, it’s Fifty Shades of Stupid Dumb Grey. They both agree that while they intensely, deeply, love each other – this love brings out the worst in each of them. Which is news to me! We only saw the worst Patrick when he thought after getting Nina back, that he'd lost her again. So basically he is at his worst without her! And Nina, while justified in calling him on his shit and breaking up with him, isn’t exactly a mess when she’s with him.

Even saying the line hurts me.

In fact, we did see some genuine growth and development from these two early this season and while issues needed to be addressed, I honestly don’t buy this line bullshit, and I wasn’t alone in this. So much so the writer had to justify the line on twitter today and the justification actually, for me, made it worse. It became a ‘drama’ in the way Grey’s Anatomy in the later seasons has become, moving people in and out of relationships for ‘drama’ and ‘tension’. It’s happening with Mick and Billie and it’s happening with Nina and Patrick and they’re doing a piss poor job of completely justifying the character's choices for both couples, for me. People can stay together and have interesting and real problems without breaking up or cheating!! PHEW rant over.

Meanwhile, Poor Zara, has a complete furniture break down and realises that she can’t do it alone. Zara then heads to the lost souls Mecca aka the Proudmans house, and curls up to The Brother seeking both physical comfort and the warming shell of living with your ex-boyfriend's parent and colleague's family. The following day as the usual cacophony of Proudman madness occurs, Zara wakes up and confronts them all and opens a mega truth bomb on everyone! I LOVE HER, I want her to live there forever if this is the kind of Proudman honesty we're going to get. In fact, I kind of want her to recap the show instead of me. She'd do it in three sentences and make perfect sense of it all, while I'm still busy banging my head against my iPad.

Dear Proudmans Extended: SORT YOUR SHIT OUT!

Nina spies on Fitzroy Jesus and then confronts him, explaining now is not the time for them both. Again Fitzroy Jesus, is a little less forgiving, a little bit more having of a spine. He does cave a little, but then Nina, at his urging for the truth and not cliché, gives my favourite break up line of all time 'your niceness will forever be exploited and you'll be eternally frustrated.'

Post break up, Nina returns home for a bath of discovery and becomes a TV/movie cliché the world over by checking her diary to see if she missed a period!! As in she writes the letter P in her diary - right next to the scribbled love heart of her name under Harry Styles. Seriously, who does this?!

P is for period, P is for pregnancy, P is for Patrick!

And secondly, CALLED IT!!!! ABSOLUTELY CALLED THIS PREGNANCY PLOT DEVICE WEEKS AGO.