Offspring Recap: Speaking French and Pet Tears

The streak is broken! We don’t start the episode with anyone in bed. Sad. Nina is in lots of activities distract myself mode and thank God for us all she hasn’t started the tweeting yet – Nina’s consciousness let loose online would be a step too far for us all. However, it is revealed to Nina that while she thinks she’s the picture of recovery, everyone else notices she is not.

@NinaProudman: 1D 4 EVA! OMG

Doc Martin removes her from the surgery roster, to ease the tension between her and Patrick. The nurses have made up words, songs, and also a fantasy musical. Basically the entire hospital is focused on the Patrick/Nina saga and I wonder if our Patient Care Liaison from the other week needs to return to keep them on track.

Andrew is leaving and so goes Billie and Mick’s semen supply. The brothers have a sweet farewell, including barbs about dressing like Ellen and it makes me wish we’d profiled their family more and less of the Proudman’s. Andrew does throw a word of warning about watching Mick’s behaviour with Feisty Orange and I'm getting nervous people, this is week three of foreshadowing about this.

Wanna get our own spin off?

Feisty Orange is now being dragged into the Proudman shenanigans with The Brother apparently a music video director. Feisty Orange is a little touchy feely for my liking. Mick decides to cock block The Brother and announce his impending baby and I’m getting ready to light my matches people.

Hands off our Mick, Feisty Orange!

It must be said, I like Feisty Orange’s music – how it’s especially soundtrack related to the very moment of the show. And now, the dog is missing, and if Mick cheats on Billie BECAUSE HIS DAMN DOG IS MISSING I WILL FREAKING LOSE MY MIND! Okay, I’m cynical and all but I can’t handle Mick and a dying dog – I am not made of STONE!

Nina has to deal with a patient who is a bit in love with Patrick and wants to set up her friend with Doc McBroody. Nina of course, mentally spazzes out about it and so do the nurses who decide Nina needs to cut loose with some dancing and drinking. How it has taken them this long to figure out that Nina needs to cut loose is beyond me.

It's time to dance, don't bring your scarves

Back at the office, Nina is dealing with the fact that PATRICK IS SPEAKING FRENCH! Seriously, women of Australia are on their knees. Nina decides showcasing her Indonesian speaking skills are the perfect comeback. It’s not and it’s awkward.

French, the language of love - Indonesian, the language of awkward breakup

In the Locker Room of Confrontation both Nina and Patrick downplay both their happiness and their sadness. Patrick, the runner that he is, decides he should move jobs. That seeing Nina each day is gutting him – it’s sad but also if taken literally, quite graphically gross.

Papa Proudman and Nina head to a Woody Allen movie and then Doc Dad amazingly turns up and makes it an awkward parenting triangle Dad date. Hilarity ensues – or you know, usual Offspring zany humour.

Patrick tells Doc Martin he’s leaving and Doc Martin tells him to sleep on it, with a vague threat of discussing his past drug habit with any potential employers. Word spreads around that Rocket the Dog is dying and of course, we must convene at the Pub of Revelation. Mick calls Billie and is basically heartbreakingly sad and leaves a voicemail message because apparently ash cloud is completely blocking Billie's ability to answer the phone. PS Offspring I hate your guts for making Eddie Perfect cry like that.

I want this as my sad emoticon

Patrick calls at exactly the wrong time for a sort our shit out house party for two. Nina is sad because the dog died, and breaks down and her vulnerabilities freak Patrick out and he heads for the hills because emotions scare him. Nina then tosses her grains around (not a euphemism) in a move she will surely regret later and calls Cherie for the aforementioned night out – another move she will surely regret later.

Is that emotions? I can't handle that, I'm outtie!

Mick returns home to empty house with no wife and no dog and the signs are mounting for the plot of despair that I FEAR is going to happen. Seriously bad time to have baby . Feisty Orange calls with a son desperate to talk who then doesn’t want to – STRANGE. Mick then hastily decides to come over. A bit of consoling chit chat to the kid is all pre-cursor to the overwhelming feeling of stupidity I sense coming. Feisty Orange and Mick have chat about her son’s conception and then just as I think it’s impossible to avoid the rabbit hole of this plot device, Billie calls and they have a heartbreaking Skype chat from her delivery ward – sorry Pregnancy Zealand.

Mick ...awwh...I can't...just...give me a minute

Out at the oddest girls night ever, Nina is the friend grenade no one wants to have when they’re wanting to dance and drink. Drunk, desperate for friend validation and super whiny but she then drinks herself past that and into wildly entertaining dance machine. Cherie struggles to find a DJ who will play awesome pop music pre 2010 and you know what Cherie, I totally HEAR YOU on that one. Nina then verbally attacks the DJ to play some Kylie and in this moment, my friends will attest, Nina and I have never been closer.

What do you mean you don't have JT? Seriously?!

Nina is drunk dialling Patrick’s sister and then before you know, she is performing every girls (just me then) Saturday night with unabashed drunken dance moves that are so extreme I tip my hat to Asher Keddie and her commitment to the scene. And suddenly without any real warning, the episode ends – and we’re previewing Nina apparently sex rebounding with someone? Predictions as to who - the return of Fraser, Chris Havel in town to officially commemorate his balcony?

If only Patrick could see these dance moves, he'd back.

Offspring Recap: Don't Go Breaking My Heart

We the start the episode with if I’m not mistaken a perfect six week record of Patrick and Nina in bed together. Sadly it’s a fantasy and we sit through more Nina fantasy scenarios of going to the motel to either sex up, catch up or crowd up on Patrick. Thankfully all fantasies involve Matthew Le Nevez should be Logie nominated tattoo and six pack abs combination. Stellar start Offspring.

Another epically important screen shot of Patrick's abs.

Back in non fantasy land, Patrick in pink scrubs (manly somehow), tells Nina forget the fight, we’ve got bigger things to discuss and then of course, is pulled away with the promise to talk later. This means a whole episode of flighty Nina, I’m already on edge!

Music Tim is almost gone and Andrew is trying to play it cool but tells Mick, that he’s freaking out and can’t decide want to do. It’s all rather cute and I want to see more of this plot than The Brother. Later at the Pub of Revelation, Music Tim declares he is just as freaked out and wants Andrew to come to London. They pash happily while Nina weirdly looks on.

This is difficult

Feisty Orange (the actually very nice and talented Clare Bowditch) has Mick come over to sing songs, and has a cute son. Mick brings the dog. It’s worrying. More bonding occurs throughout the episode, and Feisty Orange’s son has a Jerry Maguire-esque quality of asking questions all the time. Billie later tries to call Mick but he misses the call. 'Cause that NEVER happens.

Doc Dad happens to exercise walk past the Proudmans and The Brother identifies with his lack of parent information. Mama Proudman wants to ‘chat’ Nasty Nurse about the baby and motherhood, her being the beacon of motherhood she is. They catch up in the hospital as a family to interrogate her and try and sell Nasty Nurse on The Brother. Shit, good luck with that sales pitch!

We swear he grows on you...really...

At work Nina can’t stop picturing Patrick so she attempts to call Billie, but she’s in labour – sorry in New Zealand stuck with the ash cloud, which now also affects mobile phone reception. Nina calls Mick which is a bad idea as we remember what happened the last time both these two were having romance troubles. I don’t think Mick has another gem like ‘Your Sister’s a Six, But You’re a Ten’ up his sleeve.

Nina never one to wait, snatches Patrick mid surgery break and tries to pry out of him, how their relationship stands in the five seconds he has. I struggle with this Nina intensely. I find her neurotic-ness not charming and reflective of all women’s doubts about themselves, but wishy washy and cloying. Sorry, Season One frustrations rising to the surface here.

And then, because Nina just won’t take no for an answer, Patrick reveals he wants to break up with her, to protect her from himself, from the pain he has. Nina doesn’t hear the reasoning behind it, and instead of calling him on his bullshit, flutters off in a tizz.

I know, pink scrubs are stretching even my hotness right?

Everyone converges on The Pub of Revelations for Mick’s new song showcase and Feisty Orange performs her first song, one that magically mirrors Nina’s exact emotional setting at that very instant. It’s almost as if her life was TV show with its own soundtrack available for download on iTunes.

Where is Vonda Shepherd these days?

Nina heads to claim her man, dragging him to Chris Havel Memorial Balcony for a chat. NINA! Your romantic chats NEVER go well on this balcony, EVER!

Get off the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony - it's where romance dies

It starts off well, Patrick didn’t actually want to break up, just to talk later. Nina takes this as accusatory bait and fights back with emotionally condescending language. It basically boils down to Nina wanting more and thinking she doesn’t and Patrick anticipating this and not wanting to suffer the pain he’s been previously exposed to and so is protecting himself.

We then move from the balcony and into an empty theatre in which Nina gains all the confidence I’ve ever wanted her to have. She totally calls Patrick on his cowardice, noting that she understands his fear but she can’t understand why he won’t stand up for her. At this moment, I FREAKING LOVE Nina – she is clear, concise and doesn’t let Patrick get away with his I’m so hurt shit. Of course, the downside, Nina has to actually break up with Patrick.

Leaving with sass, dignity and nice shoes - you go girl!

Nina returns home to find that, as she had asked, Patrick has moved out. The man packs faster than a freed asylum seeker leaving Villawood. She tries to reach Billie but the magic pregnancy ash cloud is playing havoc and so has a teary on the stairs. It’s quite sad actually.

The next day at work, Patrick confides in Doc Martin that it is going to be mega-awkward at work now, what with him and Nina moved into Splitsville. Doc Martin endears himself to me with his genius blunt advice to Patrick including the phrase ‘You’re no skate across the ice rink either, Mr Man.’

It's the cap, even my hotness is dimmed by it, isn't it?

Nina is handling the break up as you’d expect. Complete depressive shut in but done in a fashionable Country Road beige way. The Proudmans et al descend including Mick with an agreement that he won’t sleep with Nina – ha! Nice callback Offspring. Nina remembers she has to work with Patrick in two days and this sends her into a melt-down. It is however a nice time continuing montage melt-down.

This meltdown is sponsored by Country Road. Break down in beige today.

The Brother gets a mention from me only because he calls Patrick a fuckwit when they catch up on the street. Doc Martin further endears himself to me by creating a reconciliation flow-chart to help Nina and Patrick get back to love. Cherie, understanding what is to meddle in the Proudman’s says back off and let them sort it out. Cherie’s streak of a good advice is scaring me.

Nina has a fantasy discussion with Patrick that is sad and touching and sweet and shut up, I’m not tearing up – I was chopping onions.

I'm only allowed to smile in dream sequences

In reality Patrick is being consoled by both his sister and the sweet charms of comforting greenery. In Nina’s reality, Mama Proudman FINALLY steps up and consoles her daughter, doing the very caring mother things liking helping make the bed – I can attest, this is helpful! Nina admits she doesn’t want to go work and Mama Proudman tells her to buck up, you’ll be okay.

Nina the champion that she is – does just that! She fronts up to work, gets down to being awesome and does what every girl who has just being broken hearted hopes to achieve – leave the guy wondering: did I just make an epic mistake?

Offspring Recap: Share Patrick, SHARE WITH NINA

Previously on Offspring: Patrick was a drug addict, Nina has multiple fathers and if these seeds of cheating they are planting for Mick come true then I will light fires of protest (I don’t condone arson in any form, unless of course, it’s in Mick related protest.)

Christ here we go with metaphorical Nina and her crazy dreams. Except it’s really not that metaphorical, it’s really quite literal. Life is a roller coaster, so are relationships – welcome to explosive details of life you never knew! And to continue the season long theme, we start with Nina in bed – thankfully with Patrick.

Do you get it? SERIOUSLY, WE CAN'T BE ANY CLEARER

The Brother arrives with news that The Mother has finally realised what a spanner she has thrown into the family and has become semi-catatonic and baking terrible food – if only this would take hold for the entire episode. The Brother is continuing his usual role of running around the family and being an unproductive waste, including involving Nasty Nurse, which devolves into where the Baby would live etc.

Billie skypes Mick from New Zealand also known as Land of the Very Pregnant Actress Who Can No Longer Hide Their Belly on Camera Realistically with Giant Handbags. And guess what comes back to haunt us, The 4 Day Sex Rule. Which basically gives Eddie Perfect to opportunity to show us his American Pie sexy dancing. Of course, The Brother interrupts the hijinks, walking into a SHUT DOOR without knocking.

"How is the birth centre...um, sorry, New Zealand?"

Back at Nina’s job, we find last week’s Controlling Husband has lodged a complaint against Patrick for giving the wife an epidural. And we have a back and forth discussion about the hows and whys of Patrick giving this woman an epidural, completely forgetting the fact that CHERIE WAS IN THE ROOM, AS A WITNESS TO HER CONSENT! Cherie is finally interviewed, but Patient I Must Be a Bitch Liaison Officer isn’t interested the facts – she wants her role on Law and Order now god damn it.

Patrick and Nina then meet on the Patrick’s Reclusive Moody Staircase – in which Patrick becomes moody and decides he will attempt to challenge the cliché of no man is an island by becoming one.

I'm not going wear a necklace because I'm stressed okay?!

For CHRIST SAKES! The Brother is breaking into Nasty Nurse house to ‘help’ – I can’t EVEN, it’s just URGH.

In Mick’s world, we meet the singer he’s working with, Feisty Orange (real name: Rosanna). Worryingly, we’ve got Mick and Feisty Orange bickering/working well already – which of course, is groundwork for love/hate feelings. Don’t do it Offspring – or I will cut you! Conveniently too, an ash cloud in Chile has kept Billie in Pregnancy Zealand.

Bad news: my Newtork Ten contract is up.

Music Tim, who is banging Mick’s brother decides to take the lazy option and tell everyone he’s I’m leaving for London news in one go, therefore assuring a bad reaction from all. Andrew breaks up with Music Tim because London is too far make love work but then decides that actually, Music Tim is pretty hot and has a nice apartment that he might let him house sit, and that maybe he should stick this out a bit longer. So they agree to a farewell sexathon and then a let's see how we go approach. (PS Kudos to Offspring for giving the epic romance score that a heterosexual couple would get in the same scenario).

Door step loving: even I can't be cynical to that.

Doc Dad and Papa Proudman have a weird get together and then the entire Proudman Family ends up medical centre and for the life of me, I’m this close to clicking off. Later Mama Proudman finally apologises for lying about Nina’s paternity to Papa Proudman, and I think, you're about three episodes too late for this Mama Proudman.

Doc Martin has a chat with Nina about Patrick’s past drug history which is suddenly very recent, and a very big issue. It ends in Nina slapping Doc Martin, which is workplace bullying Nina so way to add to the list of things wrong in your household.

Anyone wanna a hit in the carpark? I'm good for that now.

Nina and Patrick have a little chat on the bench – the jist of it being that Nina wants to solve everything and Patrick wants to retain his moodiness by brewing on his problems on his man island, ALONE. The former drug addict admits how close he comes to wanting drugs again, and then decides stew alone in a motel room. Not at all a recipe for disaster.

I want to break up. Why? Your sunglasses are weird.

From the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony Nina spies Patrick leaving and they have a phone chat about basically the same thing but we get product placement Volvo and Patrick continuing to utterly shut down – except for a body language, I heart you gesture which was sweet and masculine at the same time.

You left your One Direction CD in my car.

Submissive Wife turns up just as Patrick’s heading for the motel hills. Cherie basically has to goad her into admitting that she wanted and asked for pain relief, while assuring her she is a good mum and I hate to judge but this woman has some serious issues that a professional should examine. Magically, Cherie has done something good and Submissive Wife withdraws the compliant.

Nina arrives the Motel De Shady ready to tell Patrick the good news. And despite every clue that he’s going to be passed out and wasted with drugs, a prostitute and half the cast of Bikie Wars, he’s fine.

On tonight's episode of COPS: Nina hunts down Patrick

He just wants space, in a very shut off emotionally damaged way. Nina of course, can’t accept that and practically demands he share his feelings with her at this very moment. But Patrick, literally and metaphorically continues to shut her out and we’re left with Nina driving off into the cloudy sunset, the rollercoaster heading down.

Offspring Recap: Try Dating a Proudman, We Be Crazy!

We kick off the week with a fourth wall breaking fantasy sequence with Dr Martin, narrating an introduction to the episode and then Nina and Patrick doing their Harry Met Sally stick as a fake doco about the 'perfect' relationship she has now found. Oh dear, my Offspring hates are piling up. The zany, the wacky, oh help!

Dr Brooding and his lady Dr Nutty

It's a week with after the fastest rental real estate deal in history and of course, despite a fully furnished apartment, furniture shopping is required. Billie and Nina discuss their fellas and all of sudden really try to make the phrase 'the girls' happen, constantly referring their boobs. The not-sisters both discuss their relationships and prove that despite no DNA shared, they are as nutty as each other.

Does this table seem too sensible?

We go to Nina's job and we actually realize that she has a job and not just regular visits to the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony. We've got a plot device of controlling planning Husband and his submissive wife, and due to their having lines and an actual set, we know to pay attention.

Hi! You're going to HATE me later

Elsewhere Mick is cracking the sads and for the first time is slightly less attractive to me. His song was rejected by his boss/brother's new boyfriend. Billie tries to cure this with a trip to New Zealand but very quickly Mick is offered a spot in a better band. Because of his wounded ego, Billie pushes him to take working with the smart lady singer. If we travel down the Mick cheats due to the pressure of conceiving route, I will not be happy.

I'm off to New Zealand because we can't hide my baby bump

Nina, meanwhile over the top tries to play it cool with Patrick but he forgives it anyway and kitchen sex is interrupted by his long lost sister and her plot reminder baby! Doc Dad calls for the hook up to his long lost ex, and scares the crap out of Nina. She of course decides immediately to tell the truth, Patrick continues to play his therapist role and only deal with Nina's family dramas. When he shows the first hint of a spine, this rankles Nina but she dismisses it and we know this is going to be a thing later this episode.

Smooch Interrupted

Nina is rehearsing her confession to Doc Dad - I suggest iPhone pic, worked for Cherie. And note the scarf return, we are spiraling people.  She breaks him the news and he is duly shocked in a 'we share the same DNA' way. A ring saves them both from more mad fantasy scenarios and both dive for their iPhone's of Doom with the same ringtone because apparently everybody loves chimes.

Scarf, two necklaces, bag strap - it's SERIOUS

And the earlier question is answered: the bath fits them both! Patrick gives more therapy although this is far more acceptable therapy for us to watch as viewers. I would just caution these two with their candle usage - it hasn't worked well in the past.

Call the fire brigade, these two have candle history

We've had four episodes of Dr Patrick being achingly perfectly patient with Nina and her nuttiness and while I'm sure men like this exist somewhere, this is a drama and he's becoming awfully one dimensional and flat. This is after all an ex-addict who lost a baby, it can't be all healthy up in there - so clearly we're not far at all from this whole thing unravelling.

Christ it's the Brother and he is going to birthing class alone.  JESUS! I can't do anymore.

Meanwhile Nina has gone home, had sex in the bath and come back to find control freak husband and wife giving birth. Patrick gives concerned eyes as he tells wife she doesn't need to push through but controlling husband wants to push on. The wife begs for relief while husband has gone to bathroom and says hurry, she can't accept it while he's in the room. As a daughter of a midwife, if they try to blame Patrick if shit goes down, I will rage against the stupidity of it. Seriously - Cherie is standing right there, witnessing the whole thing! But then controlling husband and wife have slow-mo trippy music baby birth and it seems to be all okay.

Dear next week's episode: Cherie the witness is RIGHT THERE!

Doc Dad calls and Nina needs Patrick to physically hold her while taking a phone call - which if it was sexy times holding would be okay, but this is serious dependency holding.

I physically need you for this call - come here

Controlling Husband checks Patrick in the lift and threatens him because of Patrick's apparent God complex and we know this shit ain't over. Hey Controlling Husband, step back off my man - okay, Nina's man, but she comes with back up!

Oh no you didn't Controlling Husband!

Nina and Patrick start to pull at each other after their respective bad days. Nina doesn't seem to understand that Patrick doesn't want to sit around and discuss their feelings while plaiting each others hair and maybe wants to man stew for an hour or so.  Just as she continues to badger him, the Proudman's all start turning up with gifts and raising the tension levels further. Mama and Papa Proudman play passive aggressive gift giving and then Nina blurts out Doc Dad date plans.

If Mark Ruffalo's busy, I'm good for The Hulk!

Nina is verging on hysterical heading to the date. They're both 'DNA' nervous, babbling and physically awkward. The iPhone of Doom ends up in the soup and Nina clutching at her eye like a pirate. Oh the forced hilarity. Nina finds out that her Doc Dad never married, and they share a similar life pattern. Or at least fantasy Chinese waitress says.

Guess that's no to more Wonton Noodle Soup then?

She returns home to a snoozing Patrick and we're get treated to naked back Nina, which is fair square for all the shirtless Patrick I guess. Perfect Patrick returns and apologizes for his 2 second bad mood and then dutifully listens to Nina talk about her Doc Dad date.

Heartbreak

They touch on kids and in a tender Offspring moment, Matt Le Nevez gets to actually act and Patrick gets to have his own emotional moment that Nina then responds to without turning into her drama. It's a freaking miracle!

Next week: the perfect Patrick dream is over :(

Offspring Recap: My Dad, Your Dad, Everyone's Dad

It is bad people, we know that already because Nina is in scarf mode. But fake out - within two seconds we are into dream sequences with possible Dads for Nina showing up at the hospital of her dreams.

For the third episode in a row we return to nutty Nina in bed with infinitely patient Patrick. That is a 100% accuracy of shirtless Patrick in my book. He makes a joke then pulls her in for a pash. Season Three is Patrick MVP.

Sadly, not what you want this scene to be about.

We return to find Nina and Patrick leafing through the actual newspaper for rentals. Apparently Patrick was too busy putting little plants in milk containers and hanging from his garden wall to hear about this nifty thing called realestate.com.au (this is rectified later).

When you're not here I go nuts in the garden!

iPhone of Doom rings and Nina, the masochist that she answers it! Billie of course has completely researched the two potential Dad's and wants Nina to get on board the investigation train of which Nina strictly does not want to board. Guess where Nina will be found in 25 minutes.

Patrick and Nina are at an inspection and there are FREAKIN GREEN TREES on the bedspread –RUN Patrick, don’t succumb to the green disease. In the midst of this we get an all time iPhone of doom ring count with the entire family wanting Nina's choice. Nutty Proudmans.

Andrew the brother is pashing and almost sexing Mick's business partner, Tim. There is some sperm discussion and timing and a nice nervous Andrew trying to explain to eager partner who is all for sexing for sperm so he offers a hand to help the donation process but it's all background noise really.

Billie's meddling means one of potential Nina Dad's is at the real estate office. Nina, at another inspection, seems to have moved to New York because apparently this one is a sub let. It’s popular though and they decide they want it.

The neighbours will love shirtless Dr Pat

Billie explains how she stalked Potential Nina Dad by pretending to be interested in the property.  Nina abandons house hunting with Patrick to go meet potential Dad no. 1 at the pub with Billie and Mama Proudman. Not surprisingly awkwardness ensues. They have to break it to potential dad no.1 that he might not be the only Dad. Sadly unlike Mamma Mia there is no song and dance routine to sort this out. However, blood types quickly rule out Dad 1 as he is like Darcy, an AB. Again Nina rules out finding real Dad and again we can guess exactly what will happen.

Patrick and Nina catch up on the couch, and he presents her the fully furnished New York loft apartment as theirs. A worrying lack of green plants, sheets or towels does concern me. Thankfully catching up on the couch actually turns into a euphemism.

Who knew Domain.com was such a turn on?

The Brother is being the most annoying brother during him and Nasty Nurse ultrasound so I'm ignoring it.

Nina of course goes to Doc Dad medical centre and just as she is about to chicken out runs into Doc Dad so decides to see him anyway. Nina fakes a story and you can see in her eyes that every little bit of small talk is an anvil of 'this is my father. ' Of course he asks her about her family medical history and just about sends Nina in a spiralling verbal meltdown. It all comes apart when she hands over the Medicare card with her real name and before you know it Doc Dad is all I knew a Proudman. Betcha you did Doc Dad? Nina again folds like a cheap deck chair and reveals that Geraldine is her Mum, leaving Doc Dad utterly confused and a little suspicious. That's how I feel about the Proudman family.

Do you a prescription for the Proudman Family insanity?

Nina returns home to a smouldering Patrick who has become this episode’s exposition character.   He soothes her wounds so well that Nina ignores Billie and the iPhone of Doom to get busy.

Hello There!