Offspring Recap: Baby It's Complicated

After last season’s ‘we’re not sure if we’re being picked up again so let’s complete every storyline REALLY quickly’ ending – we’re back in Nina Proudman’s life and it’s Offspring Season 4 time.

We kick off with a Nina dream sequence and Nina’s labour with her delivering random appliances – troll, fan, avocados – that’s too meta for me to decipher. She awakens with a fright and THANK GOD WE HAVE LOST the dreaded green sheets curse. White sheets = a clean slate in my book.

Shirtless Patrick - great start to a season.

Nina is at work and attempting to self-narrate into having a perfect life but is late for her own baby appointment. We get a this is zany crazy Nina Proudman montage of her general life indecisiveness and also to show Network Ten, that it was worth paying for all those inner city location shooting days - see we’re using them!

A tram, taxi, inner chic Melbourne, long flowy dresses - it's Offspring

But fake out, she isn’t late for a baby appointment, it’s counselling with Patrick, who is chipper and happy to be exposing his flaws. We also have quite a handsome young fella as our counsellor ladies – insert your own personal joke here involving lying his couch. We then have a meta conversation which seems to address all fans queries about non-communication Patrick and Nina’s over analysing. It does however leave them with homework which sends studying Nina running for the stationery aisle at Officeworks. I would have seriously pegged her as a Smiggle girl myself.

My baby daddy life partner is hot: exhibit A

Mick’s on tour but Skyping in for Billie chats and I’m impressed with their Skype resolution, they must be on the NBN plans. Feisty Orange pops in to let Australia know that she’s totally back off Billie’s man and just happy for them to be chewing up the bandwith with their chatter.  

Nina’s been tasked with creating a master list of her life from counselling and through the episode it swings wildly from fitness levels to getting a will to setting Billie boundaries. All done in very clear teacher block writing. Nina does not need to work on her penmanship.

Nina’s ready to get cracking on her counselling homework but Patrick’s feeling frisky (oh yeah!) It’s amazing to see sexy, smirky Season 2 Patrick back in full force – his joking with Nina about her study habits was either a nice shout-out or just good sexy times – either way, bravo and continue on I say.

Can I copy off your homework - I'll pay you back

Jara (Jimmy and Zara) surface for breakfast at Proudman Palace and notice that Doc Dad has moved in via food and shaving appliances. In a house where three out of the four residents shouldn’t really be there – it’s all too personal and fibre diets jokes for my liking. Alfie is coming home and of course the Proudmans want a family celebration – something that both Nurse Nasty and I agree is crazy idea.

Doc Martin and Cherie seems to have shifted gears pretty quickly, now living together with Cherie’s Proudman spawn. This is mega quick, after only recently putting away Darcy Dad as Ray 2.0 Dad potential.

Doc Eli is our new mystery Doc, and of course, people seem to think it’s a man due to the name then fake out 2 - it’s actually a woman. She’s young and looks to Nina for professionalism and leadership – Little Intern that’s a long wait for train that might never come.

Meanwhile at another hospital with less crazy and more hotness, we learn Patrick is now working with kids and Aussie women switch to ultra high swoon levels.

Yep, working with kids now - good luck ladies of Australia resisting me

Nina and Little Intern get onto rounds they get to witness the nurses station now patent pending salty banter and complete lack of respect for Nina – HR would have a field day with the barbs being tossed about. Cherie continues to overshare with EVERYONE about her entire life. I think Cherie needs non work friends so the hospital isn’t directly aware of her morning routine with Doc Martin.

Nina sees more patients than in all of Season Three and some wacky couple have weird photos, which is really an excuse to see Asher and Matt commit to some absolutely insane photos for laughs purpose.

OMG Sister with Dark Past We Never Address is back and she is dropping past bombs. Apparently Patrick used to make furniture – who knew? And Patrick talks of memories of the dead son, who we practically ignored last season but now realise might be super important to this character’s inner turmoil and growth. Seriously though, Patrick building furniture for future baby, sanding wood in a short sleeve tee – COME ON!

The Renovators would have worked with this type of casting Network Ten

Mick is back and ready to repay the sex debt and already, their coupledom is off balance – which despite my inner romance, I think is nice call back to how far they drifted apart last season. They stupidly delay reunion sex and of course, this won’t EVER come back to hurt them. Kudos to both actors for ripping through the lines with zing.

Doc Dad is almost single white femaled Darcy Dad out of his own family as we have Alfie’s welcome home party. Everyone is headed to the Proudman Party of What Will No Doubt Be Issues Buffet. Inexplicably at the family function: Doc Martin and Cherie. Because dating the woman who banged the not biology Dad is an immediate invitation to intimate family gathering now.  There is some sexy gazing across babies and kids between Nina and Patrick. And after a very thorough Proudman party with flashes, with food, wine, and photo taking everyone realises Darcy Dad was forgotten.

Forgot to invite: painter, plumber, accountant and oh YEAH  YOUR DAD!

The Proudman family completely undo the party in effort to make Darcy Dad believe it was an impromptu gathering – because that ruse will hold for about 5 minutes in the blabbermouth Proudman household. This includes Nina and Patrick committing to re-arriving in the Volvo Product Placement and the Proudman ladies completely overselling their ‘we’ve never been here before’ bit. Everyone else re-arrives and shares knowing, crazy loaded stares – that are not subtle at all.

Billie is trying to wildly signal Mick that she’s struggling with baby poolza but he doesn’t see it and their imbalance is still there. Darcy Dad cottons on very quickly and Nina is the one to comfort him, and Darcy does look flat – seriously John Waters physically commits to the alone and down thing. He feels like the only the single person at the party and wants to wallow a little bit. Darcy Dad been there – keep the wine flowing, and drop loads of free time and disposable income comments.

Billie is decides that she needs to counsel Patrick and Nina about their relationship mid party and then it turns in a Proudman family counselling session for Nina and her life. It’s almost as if this whole thing was about Nina and only her story (oh wait). Constant talk of babies and parents and all anyone can say is babies, mothers, parenting and Billie is sadly, quietly, breaking down in the background. Kat Stewart can certainly hit the moments of subtle grace when she needs to and break hearts.

It's like I'm the supporting actor on the Nina Damn Proudman show! 

Billie and Mick escape to the sad strums of acoustic guitar and Billie’s tears. iPhone of Doom tries to beckon her but no damn it Nina, Billie wants to wallow. Billie tries to commit to the sex marathon, admirable as it may be but tears get in the way. Still she can’t, and the Mick that I know and love is BACK! Supportive, admiring of his wife’s spine and beauty and just a generally all round good bloke. THANK GOD!

Mick: awesome husband has returned! Feisty Orange affair be gone!

Meanwhile Nina and Patrick returns the Melbourne apartment of everyone’s inner city dreams. Where Nina has made a mood board of her life in coloured post it notes but realises that she’s trying to be super sensible to her absolute nuttiness.

A bang at the gate and Billie arrives, to demonstrate that their house is a death trap for kids. Showing that she is in fact supportive and offering to help get them a place together. Billie spots the mood board and realises that actually Nina and Patrick are working on their relationship and sister pride ensues. It’s awkward for Patrick I’m sure, as his not-sister in law steps up examine Nina’s feelings about their flaws and insecurities. Definitely a way to literally lay it all out there. After some post it notes of emotional revelations all is better.

The next morning on the corner of hipster and incredibly wealthy, Patrick and Nina share a smooch over coffee (I’d pash anyone, girl or boy for bringing me coffee) and Little Intern spots them and ominous clunky music of Patrick’s dark history tells us Little Intern is NOT happy to see him. She’s got her own truth bomb to drop. I’m torn between drug dealer, Volvo dealer or pissed off green sheet dealer.

Katniss Everdeen's pissed about something

At work Little Intern, asks some questions about Doc Patrick that raises the suspicions of Tell It Like It Nurse and then we’re left with her ‘I have a giant soap opera connection to your man’ face following Nina down the hall.

Previews for the rest of the season tell us Billie cries over lots of boxes (rumours of a Mick death, if proven true will absolutely be a shark jump moment for me), Patrick may or may not know Little Intern and It May or May Not Be Important.