Dear Pop Culture: The Clean Out

I will build that desk, one day

If the name of this blog doesn't give it away, I'm a pop culture lover! In particular films, TV shows and books - I guess it makes sense, I love storytelling in all forms. The problem being, across the years I've acquired a fair chunk of storytelling and I need to make room. If you can tell from this picture, I store my DVD's alphabetically (sub divided into TV series alphabetically) as well as my books. Thus begins the giant cull of '11. There a three key sections: Don't Touch, Staying for Sure; Hmm Do I Really Need It?; and I Can't Believe I Actually Still Have This. Across the next few weeks, we'll meet contenders for each section and you can let me know if I should toss or keep.

Let's meet our first entrants:

Book: Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason

Somehow I have the sequel and not the original Bridget Jones book, but let's not get sidetracked. I bought this in the US after falling in LOVE with the first film. From that moment on Mark Darcy was Colin Firth and the book was ignited with some extra spice purely because of that. However, the book does have problems, which I'm not addressing here because it's not a review. The biggest problem I have, is that Edge of Reason has been so horribly tainted by the second film. The one that includes the most awful Like a Virgin dance routine in the jail - yep, you blocked that out didn't you. It also overshadows some funny moments in the book, including Bridget getting a bullet sent in the mail and thinking it was a PR stunt and Mark Darcy come apart in front of her in a completely cute way. Do I go back and read key sections I like? Not so much anymore. As I said, all overshadowed by too much Hugh Grant and lesiban hijinks.

Verdict: Barely hanging onto Hmm Do I Need This Status?

DVD: Another Cinderella Story 2

Oh yes people, I have the good stuff. After the cinematic triumph of Cinderella Story with Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff (they were robbed at Academy's); how could I not buy the highly anticipated sequel. Starring Selena Gomez before she was pashfriends with Bieber and Andrew Seeley, the singing voice of Zac Efron from High School Musical (did I just break some bubbles there - Zac didn't sing so much in the first film.) It's horrifically bad, it involves a dance scene through a mirror, a cleaning sequence that of course turns into a dance scene and more non-sensical things turning into dance scenes. The chemistry between the leads in non-existent and it's basically pretty bad - in fact the front cover quote '...you'll be pleasantly surprised.' Chicago Tribune is my favourite thing, because even the reviewers admit how bad you're thinking it is.

Verdict: Firmly in the I Can't Believe I Have This (but secretly, it's so bad, it's good - could it stay?)

Dear Twilight Eclipse Movie

Maybe it was because of the giant glass of wine I had before you started, maybe it was a Tuesday cheap ticket, maybe it was a session so late to avoid the squeeing of tweenies anytime RPatz or Taylor appeared on screen, who knows but guess what, I kinda liked you.

I won’t lie, I’ve see all your siblings in the Twilight Saga movie series and I’ve read those books that started off okay and turned into wretchedness. I thought the first film was average teen moody fluff. New Moon was pretty terrible aside from the dedication to Lautner’s abs. So my expectations were low but still, really Eclipse, not bad at all.

I’m not saying you were awesome, and that people should trample their relatives to go see you, but hey, Kristen Stewart wasn’t manic depressive so right there is a vast improvement. RPatz, has pretty much nailed his brooding look and avoided as much ‘sparkle time’ as possible. And the biggest surprise of all, Taylor actually at various points, did some acting! Like actually emoted and stuff, it was a little scary.

On the negative side, the hairstyles were bad, seriously bad. I know that K-Stew was offered a lot of money not to chop off her hair and I kinda understand why. That wig was a shocker, or should I say wigs, because Bella was rocking different looks, styles and colours at various points on the same day. The entire Cullen family hairstyles in fact were awful and I can’t decide if possibly the hairstyle team went ultra meta and thought a hairdresser would be ‘afraid’ of the Cullens and so they’d been unable to do their own hair for centuries.

Oddly, I thought the KStew and RPatz chemistry was toned down a smidge. I think the bed kissing scene from Twilight was far hotter than anything we saw in you, Eclipse movie. And while we all know the emo kids are safety in the storm banging, I thought Taylor did an okay job of looking like he could possible break up the co-dependent couple.

So Twilight: Eclipse movie, not bad work by you. I feel like this is your swan song, because as you attempt to film the crazy-town book that is Breaking Dawn and you have to sustain both your lead couple’s relationship for at least two years to not make filming and the following press junket really, really awkward, I say enjoy this moment, enjoy the glory because it’s fleeting.

Dear Sex and the City 2

I’m sure I won’t be the first or the last, or even the most witty or cinematically correct review but I still need to talk with you. Others have touched on the absurdity of you as a film, the complete religious intolerance the moment the you leave New York and even before that and many other troubling aspects. Mine however is more personal. See you took these characters, who have for a modern generation of women been a touchstone, and a mirror (of a highly stylized nature) to our own lives and turned them into materialistic, selfish, intolerant, ignorant bitches.

Sex and the City TV series characters were as follows:

Carrie: Positive champion of love, and searching for it through her own failings as well as her suitors. Accepting the differences of a relationship but never comprising on the key element of respect and love.
Miranda: Cynical but soft inside career woman balancing her A type personality in work and play and finding friends accept you no matter who you are.
Charlotte: Prim and proper New Yorker desperate to find ‘the one’ but instead finds a soulmate and an actual relationship.
Samantha: Sexy and determined woman, who had sex drive and ambition and wasn’t afraid to show it but found in the end, that sex drive can also exists a relationship and often the two work better together.

Sex and the City 2 Movie Characters:

Carrie: Materialistic perfectionist who once finished decorating, decides the marriage isn’t going her way because her beloved watches Deadliest Catch instead of her undressing into her PJ’s and runs away to a foreign land to shamelessly flirt with her ex and ignore friends needs and advice.
Miranda: Doesn’t really exists except to give cultural background and tid bits, and shout various catchphrases and be a part of the one good scene with Charlotte about being a mother. There’s something about work and a nasty, nasty man but it all gets too hard so she quits – you’d be sad if you actually ever saw her really care about anything other than the next plot driven Arabic tidbit.
Charlotte: Completely paranoid wannabe stepford bride, who based solely on another woman’s looks decides her husband is a cheater waiting to happen. Also, continues her movie character self of being the physical joke by doing over the top stupid things in a foreign country as if she’s never left America. One good scene with Miranda about how tiring motherhood can be, is ruined by the nanny being a lesiban so that’s okay, everything is fine now.
Samantha: The greatest crime to a character, Samantha becomes the equivalent of Stifler in American Pie. A 13 year old who spends the entire time either having sex, talking about sex, using the worst puns for sex or freeloading. Apparently in this world, Season 6 for SATC never happened.

You, you damn movie, have taken these characters I loved so much and turned them into jokes. Into movie ‘women’ whose real cares are resolved in 146 mins and happy endings means sex on a hummer at the beach without those damn religious zealots and their need for decency or a diamond ring to say you are punished for being emotionally demanding and an uber naggy bitch wife.

Dear Jennifer Lopez

So here’s the thing. I’ve just spent some time with you and your most recent rom com The Back Up Plan and it’s not good. Not even bad good, but just really bad. Generally a rom com has either romance or comedy but sadly, this was lacking both. I think when you start relying on a disabled dog and a slightly foul mouthed senior citizen and zany friend to carry the film, it’s not going well. Betty White cornered the zippy elderly lady routine and Sandra Bullock nabbed her first.

Once upon a time J-Lo, I used to defend your movie skills. I still think The Wedding Planner is not a bad little flick, and Maid in Manhattan – that’s bad good. You also once upon a time, showed real promise. Cast your mind back to you and George Clooney in Out of Sight. That is some serious sizzle and you actually acted in the film. Not just batted your super extend eyelashs and expected the audience to fall in love with your charming ‘Zoe’.

So here’s the deal Jen, you stop making romantic comedies that have no actual laughter or chemistry in them and life will be a little bit easier. Can you also pass the message along to Jennifer Aniston, that would be tops.