Offspring Pic Recap: Everything Won't Ever Be Fine

And we're BACK! If you know me from Twitter, then you'll know my long-standing love hate affair with Offspring. If not, head here to read my problems with the show but also what I love. And let's be frank, I do love elements of the show (Eddie Perfect, I'm looking pretty squarely at you here!).

Let's get to the RECAP:

Last season Nina finally made a choice, of course with much internal narration, between her two great loves.

The brooding, confused and prone to disappearing with scant but a letter Dr Chris.
 

I'm outtie Nina, LA calls!

And Dr Patrick - he also of brooding, troubled background but of sexy man hands, rebel tattoo and the best wounded puppy stare.

Pick me? Pick me?!

We also have the Wacky Zany Proudman family, of which I have great issues with. Billie, I can deal with but The Brother and The Parents - I can't handle their dramas.

We're just so cra-cra-crazy.

And we kick off the season perfectly! Nina and Patrick in bed!

WTF with the lime green sheets?

Nina of course refuses to accept things are and can be normal and fears happiness is its own curse. And then, like every girl I know, imagines cartoon bombs dropping in her oddly coloured bed.

Ally McBeal's Australian cousin

Patrick then raises the bar of sexy TV boyfriends by assuring Nina that everything is fine and then makes every woman in Australia weak at the knees by allaying Nina's fears by going down on her. Men of Australia, ladies love to be reassured by oral sex!

After the break Nina is looking fine in yellow and chatting with Billie about her happiness/sexy times while Billie is complaining about the complete opposite with her new hubbie Mick. Patrick continues to understand Australian womens' wants by returning from his run, removing tshirt and basically rocking his tattoo abs of glory for the Proudman sisters - and Australia. Be proud Matt Le Nevez, be very proud of that there body.
 

Yes, this picture was completely necessary for this recap

Nina then talks about how randy they have been and well played to Offspring, we get yet another glorious sex scene.

After Nina's dry spell, this is SO much better!

Meanwhile Nurse Friend Cherie is chatting to oddly endearing Dr Martin about her bombshell DNA coaster discovery - Nina ain't no Proudman. Cherie asks why it’s always her that hurls the grenades into the Proudman Family.  Cherie, honey, this one, I’ll give you a pass on - Nina’s paternity issues, but seriously, you only recently slept with her Dad – you built the last ‘I’m having my best friend’s Dad’s kid’ grenade all by yourself.

Cherie then utters the phrase that all drama/sitcom/Jersey Shore episodes are built around, the ‘I will tell them the big dark secret, just not right now, I’ll find the perfect moment.’ Because life always presents perfect moments to tell your friend that you don’t believe her father is her actual biological father – those moments pop up all the time!

Billie and the Brother have a weird awkward 'I can’t get pregnant, you knocked up some random girl who is occasionally in the show' conversation that continues to stretch the ‘we’re so kooky’ elements of my patience with Offspring.

It is all redeemed though by Mick uttering the most Australian manly sexiest phrase ever ‘Fuck mulch’ as prelude to sex, that he and Billie have been missing out on.

Awwh Mick, you so fine

Billie and Mick then make a sex pact to not go longer than four days without doing it. The Four Day Sex Pact (4DSP) which is said in good faith by Billie is of course, set to provide us with episodes of sexual hilarity, I’m sure.

Billie and Mick also decide to get back on the 'let's have a baby campaign' and decide Mick's gay brother Andrew is again, their perfect candidate. After last year's horribly sad lost the baby episode in which both Kat Stewart and Eddie Perfect made me cry, I hope this arc ends better for them.

Semen = See Men

Billie, in her wildly over the top ways, decides that single Andrew deserves in return for his semen, that he actually get to see men and she’s decided to help find him a man.

After some more Offspring-style nonsense including The Parents questioning The Brother's shagfest baby's paternity and Billie hitting on anyone with a penis, we catch up with a too happy Nina (seriously, her scarf count is low, she is too happy) and Patrick double dating with Mick and Billie.

We're so happy and pretty

At the 20 minute mark of  episode, Nina's iPhone of doom beckons with the official first ring of the season right after someone utters‘I guess I’m just not cut out for this true love thing, like you.’  Do you think those two things are RELATED?

Of course, tragedy has struck - Nina and Patrick in their sex lust (sadly no flashback here), basically dropped gasoline on a wood pile and then built a fire and left her apartment for it to burn down. After saving the few owls Nina was sure to want, they return to the Proudman family home and Nina foreshadows the shit out of the next sequence by paying ultra special attention to her BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

Cherie, who of course has her special radar of 'let's crap on a Proudman family moment' on high alert, has come over. She decides, that this moment, when Nina has lost nearly all her worldly possessions is the right time to pull out the bomb and announce her 'you ain't your baby daddy' news. And with extra sensitivity, she does it with her iPhone.

You Are a Bastard App

While the Proudman's confront Mama Parent, Patrick continues his episode streak of being awesome by going outside to delay a returning Papa Parent and spare him the public humilation of hearing his wife is just as loose as he is, except she lied about it.

Sadly, a standard requirement of any Offspring episode is the family confrontation scene in which people reveal secrets, others are disappointed and everyone thanks God their family isn't as screwed as the Proudman family.

Nina claims she's all good, fine, totally okay with it, absolutely sorted, I'M FINE!!!! Still, we end the episode with Nina have sad on Patrick's staircase. And like the badass superstar boyfriend he is, he wakes up, comes out and comforts her, shirtless.

My six pack and tattoo will help this situation