Offspring Recap: Patrick is Cheating on Nina with Green

Careful Nina, the green is catching

We start the episode with Nina again in the green sheet caress of Patrick’s house. All I can think is I hope to God, they’ve got multiple sets for those green sheets and that if they do, it’s because they were on sale.

"No, honey, I think you're totally normal!"

Nina then has a full on meltdown and at this point I’d be calling for a therapist but I think we’re still to believe it’s just Nina and her wacky Ally McBeal ways.

Nina finds out from the Brother that Mama Proudman has locked herself in her room like some sort of teenager who fights being grounded by going to their room anyway. Nina also does this while walk of shaming it home in the previous night’s clothes which is crazy, because Patrick I’m sure would a) drive her and b) probably has back up clothes from their shag fests.

What are the chances we'd bump into each other?

Apparently no one else exists in inner city Melbourne except the Proudman’s and Nina and her Dad have an awkward ‘hey we’re not related anymore’ catch up. What also apparently doesn’t exist in inner city Melbourne in Offspring land is needles and glass because Nina is still traipsing around barefoot.

I am totally a responsible Doctor

We know it’s a crazy wild episode for Nina because the iPhone of Doom is chiming not even five minutes into the piece. Nina after having a quick chat the insurance company who aren’t helpful and therefore aren’t real like RACV or AAMI decides to dash into work, still looking like she’s on the world’s longest walk of shame. Seriously, if I’m in labour lady flipping through Grazia and I see my doctor run into the building carrying her high heels, I’ve got issues about you delivering my child.

Hello Optus, I'd like to extend my plan

Billie, despite Mick’s very good and sexy husband advice puts her foot in it and freaks Dad Proudman out. Billie calls Mick to explain and at this point I hope the Proudman family is getting some kind of cap joint plan from Optus, because they are burning up the phone lines.

We're going to need a bigger bag of scarves.

The nurses all continue to ignore their jobs and pile on Nina the second she walks into the room. Nurse Nasty gets a gold star from me by giving her a bag full of scarves to make up for the burnt house disaster.

I'm sorry my sexiness is freaking you out.

After Cherie decides to find another worst possible time to make sure Nina is ‘ok’, Nina escapes to the Memorial Chris Havel balcony where she gets concerned sexy eyes from Patrick.  This of course, freaks her out and she scatterbrains all over him until he is forced to leave.

After another phone call, The Brother and Billie have a conversation about how their parents only had two kids together. Apparently being raised all your life as siblings is null and void when told otherwise and the cut off point is pretty fast in Proudman land.

'Screech!'

Billie decides to try and confront Mama Parent and first tries soothing coaxing but fails. Billie then brings back maniac season one with banshee screaming and door pounding.

Martin has noticed that Nina’s avoiding Cherie and he wants her to get over it and make amends with Cherie. Well Martin she did reveal to Nina that she was illegitimate via iPhone pic, Nina is allowed some pissed off feelings.

Sorry Slice, take it, PLEASE TAKE IT!

Nina and Cherie catch up in the park and she declines an offer of chocolate slice. Bad move Nina. 

As Nina arrives at the parents house, I will say that Mazda 3's product a placement is working. I want Nina's car. She imagines all sorts of confessions from her mother and I do fall back in love with Nina for expressing horror that imagined revelations that Tony Abbott might be her father. She botches an attempt to confront the mum, who continues her chicken shit avoidance routine.

Don't come out, your DNA is choc-o-block with crazy.

And then we learn, that for the love of God The Brother is redoing the nurse.  LORD! Then Offspring ruins all last week's sexy times with some wacked out womb conversation from The Brother. Nurse Nasty dumps Jimmy and I try to care.

Nina walks into the nursery and I worry she is about to baby nap. Nina's freaking out: and there isn't a scarf or jangling necklace to save her.

"Hang up" "No, you hang up"

After another visit to the balcony of respite, she then overhears what she thinks is Patrick calling her an imposition and immediately jumps to the worst conclusion. Because overhearing half a conversation never ever meant rainbows and good times and was never ever a misunderstanding because you didn't immediately and casually ask the person what they meant.

I warned you the green would spread.

Back at the Greenhouse, while Nina continues to spiral, Patrick seems to have an artistic spider web hanging on his wall, and much like Nina's mind it's intricate and very likely to fall apart when touched. They both seem to freak out a little about the possibility of living together so soon. Patrick gives her space by taking a shower but Nina decides to leave.

Now, where did I put my green undies.

Nina drives around some more in her Mazda 3 and ignores her iPhone of doom and a shirtless Patrick. I almost ended the show.

After far too long, Billie and the Brother try to bash the Mama’s door down and surprise surprise Mama Proudman has done a runner. Shady Proudman behavior

I don't take requests so don't even ask for Kylie.

Mick in some side stuff has to write a song for some business friend and then when the business friend comes to hear it, meets Andrew, Mick's brother. Mick sings the fixed song and ends up serenading his brother and Nina's torment. Thank you Offspring for the one two punch of shirtless Patrick and singing Mick.

Nina again runs into her Dad and they have a conversation that while predictable right down to the 'you're are the only Father' but is still touching and is interrupted of course by the iPhone of Doom.

Mama Proudman thinks a beckoning text is the classist option and Nina heads off to face down the tart. The defence starts off with 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' excuse, reminding everyone that Dad Proudman was a cheater too. Again, the classy continues. Mama Proudman then decides to drop inappropriate secret bombs including dropping Billie on her head as a baby. I would have believed that more if the Brother was dropped on his head.

Basically Mama Proudman went on a sexy bender for a week, seducing her ways across the local council and local GP’s. She breathes a sigh of relief as if her revelations of narrowing it down makes everything fine and everyone should now just chill.

Billie tries to reassure Nina by telling her that it's great they're not alike because now she feels better about not making the most of her genes. It isn't the greatest inspirational speeches but it gets the job done.

Look into my eyes, you want to wear a green shirt.

Nina returns to the Green House and now Patrick is wearing a green shirt. After the sheets, the shirt, the towel, I’m beginning to wonder if the set dressers for Offspring are colour blind and no one wanted to say anything.

Then Patrick declares, let's move in together in a new place (secretly he wants to say, I’m trying to escape this green disease that’s overcome me and my house) and inner hipster Melbourne apartments prepare yourself, Dr Nutcase and Dr Sexy Brooder are house hunting.