Offspring Recap: Fifty Shades of Stupid Plot Device Grey

To kick off, apologies for the delayed recap. I was at a function thing, and then arrived home mid-way through the episode and three sheets to the chardonnay wind, and not ready to recap after a troubling ending (not mine, the episode.)

We start the episode with the Proudman sisters attempting to work out, hoping, irrationally that by working out the day before their big events, it will make all the difference. Billie, when chatting with the gym dude, is super honest, Nina in denial. And we’re all left wondering why either one of them are actually at a gym, but neither of them needs to work out – ever!

Can you believe we have to actually exercise for this 'joke' to work?

The Proudman vortex continues to drag people in one by one, with Doc Dad and Patrick’s sister now meeting up and planning a reunion, which when Nina hears of this freaks her out! She drops by Fitzroy Jesus cafe to apologise for the sleeping with the ex-boyfriend and then having ex-boyfriend interrupt their night of fishes and loaves and gospel scriptures. But he’s perked up today and doesn't share a Jesus like compassion, or offer any forgiveness.

No, you can't have a discount on the Coffee Keeper Cups.

Doc Martin is trying to be all relaxed and cool in an effort to lure Cherie to his DNA but of course it’s weird and over the top. Lachy Hulme though is hilarious and continues to be an underrated asset of the Offspring wider family.

With this lustrious mane, she still doesn't want to sex me up. It's crazy man!

Patrick and Nina run through the top moments of their relationship by having a stilted conversation in the locker room. He questions why she is moving strangely (which she is, because apparently a bit of rowing, then treadmill will put your back out). I think she’s moving strangely because you broke her heart, Clam Patrick.

Um, this is awkward, but I've always hated your scarves. Just wanted to say it.

Mick has turned into shady, non information husband and it annoys the CRAP out of me. Where is the man who wanted to marry her desperately, he who stood up to his bitchface mother and dealt with their infertility with equal parts emotion and honesty. I wonder, would the story for this season have been laid down differently if Kat Stewart’s pregnancy hadn't sent her to New Zealand for so long.

Zara of the independence and don’t even think about helping me, is back on deck and spends a few scenes dismissing and almost physically repealing any attempt to assist her with this new motherhood caper, be it emotional or actual help.

Patrick and Nina deliver a baby together (top moment 8) and a few tense moments of maybe the baby is stuck, give way to happy birth and to GIANT ENORMOUS HIT YOU ON THE HEAD foreshadowing that Nina is preggers.

Shall we call her Foreshadowing or Renesmee?

And we're out on the Chris Havel Balcony (top moment 16). Nina lets slip that they're heading out bowling to fare Patrick well and there is some sexy 'pulled your shoulder' chat. Basically a lot of saying nothing when there is everything to say, so really, it’s business as usual for these two.

Back at Nigella Billie Lawson's house of fancy dinner, Feisty Orange and kid rock up with a new Rocket 2 as a present. It's a super loaded present of family awkwardness and I think this even before Billie mentions it.

I bought a new dog, did you buy a new dog Billie? Didn't think so.

Mick then remembers that after Billie spent hours cooking, their guests are vegetarians. Of course, Feisty is super nice about it but Mick seems not too upset that he’s wasted his wife’s attempt to make friends. There is more awkward we're so alike and yet so different and Mick does fuck all because he clearly doesn’t want his future infidelity complicated by, you know, seeing the two women together and getting along.

Last time I listen to Donna Hay - stupid lemon water

After Feisty Orange is gone, Rocket 2 causes friction and then Mick overreacts about Billie's standard style questioning, then turns into a jackass by trying to lump this on her and making it a Billie issue and acting like he’s all cool and not guilty of wanting to jump Feisty Orange. The following day, Mick becomes an even bigger jackass by passively aggressively returning Rocket 2 and then huffily telling her he is going to tour with Feisty, lump it or leave it. JERK!

Excuse me while I get my dickhead t-shirt, so it can match my I am a jerk pants.

At bowling, there is great disappointment on my part that they don't join in the chorus of Let's Bowl from Grease 2.

Patrick the Bowler!: I wanna Score Tonight.

After a bowling montage that must have been fun to film, we get awkward goodbye speeches and Nina nuttiness. We also have continued Doc Martin trying to be cool until Nurse Kim of Truth, calls him on it and I still don't believe Cherie is being such a douchebag about this. Finally in the last few seconds of the episode after not really seeing each other all season Cherie springs it on Darcy that she wants his spawn again. Because looking around her at the Proudman mania, she is totally not scared of reproducing more of this type of hyper aware crazy.

Don't forget Cherie, I was this big!

After a fake out hug between Nina and Patrick we get a catch up in the car park and the iPhone of Doom beckons with a friendly Patrick wanting a proper goodbye. They bond over their interfering relatives.

Smiles, laughs, lemonade - HAPPY FREAKING TIMES!

And then we launch into the most annoying conversation, that inspires season one level of frustration that I have with Offspring. Patrick talks about the fact that his sister has a black and white view (bullshit!), and that their relationship is more grey. I’ll you what Patrick and Nina, it’s Fifty Shades of Stupid Dumb Grey. They both agree that while they intensely, deeply, love each other – this love brings out the worst in each of them. Which is news to me! We only saw the worst Patrick when he thought after getting Nina back, that he'd lost her again. So basically he is at his worst without her! And Nina, while justified in calling him on his shit and breaking up with him, isn’t exactly a mess when she’s with him.

Even saying the line hurts me.

In fact, we did see some genuine growth and development from these two early this season and while issues needed to be addressed, I honestly don’t buy this line bullshit, and I wasn’t alone in this. So much so the writer had to justify the line on twitter today and the justification actually, for me, made it worse. It became a ‘drama’ in the way Grey’s Anatomy in the later seasons has become, moving people in and out of relationships for ‘drama’ and ‘tension’. It’s happening with Mick and Billie and it’s happening with Nina and Patrick and they’re doing a piss poor job of completely justifying the character's choices for both couples, for me. People can stay together and have interesting and real problems without breaking up or cheating!! PHEW rant over.

Meanwhile, Poor Zara, has a complete furniture break down and realises that she can’t do it alone. Zara then heads to the lost souls Mecca aka the Proudmans house, and curls up to The Brother seeking both physical comfort and the warming shell of living with your ex-boyfriend's parent and colleague's family. The following day as the usual cacophony of Proudman madness occurs, Zara wakes up and confronts them all and opens a mega truth bomb on everyone! I LOVE HER, I want her to live there forever if this is the kind of Proudman honesty we're going to get. In fact, I kind of want her to recap the show instead of me. She'd do it in three sentences and make perfect sense of it all, while I'm still busy banging my head against my iPad.

Dear Proudmans Extended: SORT YOUR SHIT OUT!

Nina spies on Fitzroy Jesus and then confronts him, explaining now is not the time for them both. Again Fitzroy Jesus, is a little less forgiving, a little bit more having of a spine. He does cave a little, but then Nina, at his urging for the truth and not cliché, gives my favourite break up line of all time 'your niceness will forever be exploited and you'll be eternally frustrated.'

Post break up, Nina returns home for a bath of discovery and becomes a TV/movie cliché the world over by checking her diary to see if she missed a period!! As in she writes the letter P in her diary - right next to the scribbled love heart of her name under Harry Styles. Seriously, who does this?!

P is for period, P is for pregnancy, P is for Patrick!

And secondly, CALLED IT!!!! ABSOLUTELY CALLED THIS PREGNANCY PLOT DEVICE WEEKS AGO.