Offspring Recap: Welcome Back to Nina's Nuts Hour

We jump straight into Little Intern-gate with Nurse Kim, playing to Nina’s insecurities like a manipulative, yet funny, genius that she is. She gently prods about Little Intern and her ‘story’ and then after a funny off in which it’s confirmed, Nina is incredibly unfunny, (seriously a check 1, 2 jokes – oh Nina) plants the seed of doubt merely by linking their names in once sentence. Boom it’s on!

I'd like to dedicate this next number to my future child

Nina hurries to her baby doc appointment, arrives late and finds a parking spot right in front (every Melburnian calls utter bullshit on this. Friendly, charming, have my apartment while you recover from your hangover Jesus types, maybe but parking places in front of the place you immediately need to be at – BULLSHIT!)

And then we meet Doctor KAMAHL! Seriously, casting people, BRILLIANT stunt casting – I tip my hat to you. Nina rambles unchecked about her medical career, her non-existent birth plan. Nina of course wants a completely natural, easy, drug free birth. This is a pure fantasy – no TV show ever allowed its main character to not have a birth that didn’t have a rare genetic complication that meant lots of frowning and concern but all was fine in the end. Nina of course, doesn’t read TV Tropes 101 so believes easy and carefree is going to happen while Kamahl tries book her in for a C-section and completely ignores Nina and Patrick’s wants.

What up Kamahl!

Outside Patrick shows his continued growth by guessing Nina might not be comfortable even when she herself can’t get there. Nina switches gears and with an edge asks if Patrick knows Little Intern. His denial doesn’t clear Nina’s height requirement and even Patrick can see this thing ain’t over.

Back at the hospital, Nina attempts to stop her runaway train of Little Intern crazy by telling Nurse Kim, her man ain’t know that girl. Happily for us, it ends Nina fantasy of Patrick and Little Intern getting it on. Hello Green Sheet sexy Patrick (yay props department for continuity).

Hello LOVER!

Arriving home we find, not only Patrick and Mick and Billie waiting with some SERIOUS news. Billie had the 20K to repay and wants the appropriate low toned level of awe and ceremony to mark the occasion. [This is wear my segment of catch up TV froze and stalled recap Wednesdays.] Nina rewards Billie with a clearance from Grey Skull and yep, a He Man reference made me laugh.

Nina can’t let go about Little Intern, and launches into Round 3 of could you have slammed Little Intern. Patrick admits to melting down a little after his marriage ended and sleeping around and that, sure maybe, past persons might have been Little Intern. Can we have some flashback eps please? Raise your hand if you want to see dark and slutty Patrick for episode.

This of course naturally turns into What’s Your Number. Nina is SUPER proud of her 7 and Patrick is less proud, but seriously, he is proud of 35.

Oh yeah, the ladies loved when Dr Reid made house calls! BOOM TISH!

Billie and Nina compared notes afterwards, and 7 is deemed incredibly low – and actually 6.5 because of an ill aborted threesome in which she was left out. Nina is realising that apparently she hasn’t actually been around the block that much. The entire Proudman family is very loose on both the sharing of who they have slept with and also the judgement of numbers and in typical Nina fashion, her work, life and career are all aware of her entire personal life within 24 hours.

Mama Proudman attempts to put Billie in Darcy’s frame of mind for possibly taking over Proudman Real Estate. He takes it with a grain of salt, and then turns up to work and launches his ‘I’m Selling You Out’ spiel without much tact or tenderness. Billie makes an offer to buy, but Darcy basically says, you’re a cold hearted bitch and you’re not smart enough to run the business. That is way harsh Darcy, way harsh. Never go into business with your family – rule 1! It does however offer Kat Stewart another opportunity to showcase the subtle strength she gives to Billie and how this season seems to be about slowly, but surely unpicking that strength. Her infertility, her family’s familiar to really believe in her and recovery from a troubled marriage patch. Speaking of which she heads off to see Mick and finds him and Fiesty Orange jamming out and her independence unable to crack enough to say, I really need you.

Another layer of failure, another Stewart home run of acting

Back in Nina-Land, we’re hitting upon a vintage season one Nina, she of insecurities, she of rambling about the men in her life and only able to focus on the small details. The Nina that really actually annoys me. Seriously, I get the plot has to move towards Shady Little Intern, but is there a way we can do it without making Nina like a co-dependent, man envy ridden neurotic. After quizzing repeatedly all parties of the ‘maybe they had sex’ coupling like a Year Eight student, we learn that Little Intern once worked with Patrick.

I'm calling from the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony - so of course,  I'm NUTS!

Cherie interrupts Nina’s meltdown because she has decided she wants her own plot. Apparently things with Doc Martin aren’t going well, and she wants it over. Also in a never before seen friendship, Kate – Sister of Revelations, is the third person Cherie can trust for advice. It’s all very random and moving the chess pieces around the board. Afterwards we have an attempted meet-cute with Kate – Sister of Revelation and a potential new love interest.  She attempts to call him later, with Cherie’s inexplicable support and totally Reid’s it up. We now see when Patrick gets his snappy, slightly angry tinged banter from – its Reid DNA. Later in the episode, Bike Courier Man turns up at her sports med clinic and surprise, she has to treat him. What are the carefully script chances!

Nina is then again late for her counselling session with Patrick and young hot counsellor. It basically becomes an explosion of Nina’s neurosis and insecurities and hammers home the point that Nina is (needlessly and under-explained) insecure about her relationships with every man – ever.

We then head to Billie’s house where after feeling no support from her extended family all day, she has barricaded herself in a doona of failure and doubt. As she confides to her sister, that her salvation from being parentless was being good at her job, and that is actually now proven untrue. She also admits that she can’t bear to hear Mick brush this off in his lovable laidback manner because it's too important to her, Kat Stewart breaks me. THIS is what I want Offspring, mature looks at adult relationships that are complex and interwoven and ask actors to do more than screech like banshees.

Breaking down, cosy and comfy.

From sublime to stupid, naked spa is sadly not a dream.  Mama Proudman continues her GRAND run of selfishness by deciding to naked spa with her current partner, in her previous partner’s house. FOR FUCK’s SAKE! Spa nakedness is apparently hijinks funny and so everyone jumps in. I just can’t do this shit – it serves no purposes and I don’t see the point except to show off how epically selfish Geraldine is about those around her from children to lovers.

You immature selfish WANKERS

Mick then charges in and confronts Papa Proudman, asking for him to believe in his daughter and when dissatisfied with the answer, boos his father in law. Listen, the line ‘I say boo to you’ is funny, Eddie Perfect is a big reason why it lands. But immediately having Nina join in this and both of them repeatedly boo-ing falls mega flat. Naked spa sessions combined with the boo-ing is why I don't do zany eccentric Australian TV. It's why I've had seriously problems with Offspring in the past.

It's funny right, so zany funny! 

Mick returns to Billie and reminds me why this couple are lovely when written well. He brings chocolate ice-cream and then serenades her with an empowering belief song that includes references to a Billie dedicated Tumblr. Gold star Mick!

What rhymes with Tumblr?

Nina arrives home and has a very quick, easy, rational conversation about parenting choices and how past partners don’t really matter to where they are now. See Nina, it WASN’T THAT HARD!

Billie turns up the next day to Proudman Real Estate and her line (and Kat Stewart’s delivery) of 'I head you got boo-ed by my husband’ is pretty damn brilliant and almost, almost worth the naked spa scene.  She is pitching herself to take over business and for God's sake Darcy give Billie a FUCKING break – which thankfully, he does and offers a deal.

Little Intern is called in to face Nina's odd and bizarre Spanish Inquisition. Little Intern didn't sleep with Patrick, she just witnessed him a drug stupor and then reported him. Apparently this is gravely horrible which baffles me because it wasn't like it wasn’t a) true - it was, he was a druggie and b) the right thing - it was she might have even saved lives.

Let's talk - how do you braid your hair like that?

Next week's preview however leads us to believe Little Intern is Glenn Close and she will eventually work her way up to bunny boiling. Thank God Rocket the dog died, as the only known pet in the Proudman family he was a prime target.