Offspring Recap: Don't Go Breaking My Heart

We the start the episode with if I’m not mistaken a perfect six week record of Patrick and Nina in bed together. Sadly it’s a fantasy and we sit through more Nina fantasy scenarios of going to the motel to either sex up, catch up or crowd up on Patrick. Thankfully all fantasies involve Matthew Le Nevez should be Logie nominated tattoo and six pack abs combination. Stellar start Offspring.

Another epically important screen shot of Patrick's abs.

Back in non fantasy land, Patrick in pink scrubs (manly somehow), tells Nina forget the fight, we’ve got bigger things to discuss and then of course, is pulled away with the promise to talk later. This means a whole episode of flighty Nina, I’m already on edge!

Music Tim is almost gone and Andrew is trying to play it cool but tells Mick, that he’s freaking out and can’t decide want to do. It’s all rather cute and I want to see more of this plot than The Brother. Later at the Pub of Revelation, Music Tim declares he is just as freaked out and wants Andrew to come to London. They pash happily while Nina weirdly looks on.

This is difficult

Feisty Orange (the actually very nice and talented Clare Bowditch) has Mick come over to sing songs, and has a cute son. Mick brings the dog. It’s worrying. More bonding occurs throughout the episode, and Feisty Orange’s son has a Jerry Maguire-esque quality of asking questions all the time. Billie later tries to call Mick but he misses the call. 'Cause that NEVER happens.

Doc Dad happens to exercise walk past the Proudmans and The Brother identifies with his lack of parent information. Mama Proudman wants to ‘chat’ Nasty Nurse about the baby and motherhood, her being the beacon of motherhood she is. They catch up in the hospital as a family to interrogate her and try and sell Nasty Nurse on The Brother. Shit, good luck with that sales pitch!

We swear he grows on you...really...

At work Nina can’t stop picturing Patrick so she attempts to call Billie, but she’s in labour – sorry in New Zealand stuck with the ash cloud, which now also affects mobile phone reception. Nina calls Mick which is a bad idea as we remember what happened the last time both these two were having romance troubles. I don’t think Mick has another gem like ‘Your Sister’s a Six, But You’re a Ten’ up his sleeve.

Nina never one to wait, snatches Patrick mid surgery break and tries to pry out of him, how their relationship stands in the five seconds he has. I struggle with this Nina intensely. I find her neurotic-ness not charming and reflective of all women’s doubts about themselves, but wishy washy and cloying. Sorry, Season One frustrations rising to the surface here.

And then, because Nina just won’t take no for an answer, Patrick reveals he wants to break up with her, to protect her from himself, from the pain he has. Nina doesn’t hear the reasoning behind it, and instead of calling him on his bullshit, flutters off in a tizz.

I know, pink scrubs are stretching even my hotness right?

Everyone converges on The Pub of Revelations for Mick’s new song showcase and Feisty Orange performs her first song, one that magically mirrors Nina’s exact emotional setting at that very instant. It’s almost as if her life was TV show with its own soundtrack available for download on iTunes.

Where is Vonda Shepherd these days?

Nina heads to claim her man, dragging him to Chris Havel Memorial Balcony for a chat. NINA! Your romantic chats NEVER go well on this balcony, EVER!

Get off the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony - it's where romance dies

It starts off well, Patrick didn’t actually want to break up, just to talk later. Nina takes this as accusatory bait and fights back with emotionally condescending language. It basically boils down to Nina wanting more and thinking she doesn’t and Patrick anticipating this and not wanting to suffer the pain he’s been previously exposed to and so is protecting himself.

We then move from the balcony and into an empty theatre in which Nina gains all the confidence I’ve ever wanted her to have. She totally calls Patrick on his cowardice, noting that she understands his fear but she can’t understand why he won’t stand up for her. At this moment, I FREAKING LOVE Nina – she is clear, concise and doesn’t let Patrick get away with his I’m so hurt shit. Of course, the downside, Nina has to actually break up with Patrick.

Leaving with sass, dignity and nice shoes - you go girl!

Nina returns home to find that, as she had asked, Patrick has moved out. The man packs faster than a freed asylum seeker leaving Villawood. She tries to reach Billie but the magic pregnancy ash cloud is playing havoc and so has a teary on the stairs. It’s quite sad actually.

The next day at work, Patrick confides in Doc Martin that it is going to be mega-awkward at work now, what with him and Nina moved into Splitsville. Doc Martin endears himself to me with his genius blunt advice to Patrick including the phrase ‘You’re no skate across the ice rink either, Mr Man.’

It's the cap, even my hotness is dimmed by it, isn't it?

Nina is handling the break up as you’d expect. Complete depressive shut in but done in a fashionable Country Road beige way. The Proudmans et al descend including Mick with an agreement that he won’t sleep with Nina – ha! Nice callback Offspring. Nina remembers she has to work with Patrick in two days and this sends her into a melt-down. It is however a nice time continuing montage melt-down.

This meltdown is sponsored by Country Road. Break down in beige today.

The Brother gets a mention from me only because he calls Patrick a fuckwit when they catch up on the street. Doc Martin further endears himself to me by creating a reconciliation flow-chart to help Nina and Patrick get back to love. Cherie, understanding what is to meddle in the Proudman’s says back off and let them sort it out. Cherie’s streak of a good advice is scaring me.

Nina has a fantasy discussion with Patrick that is sad and touching and sweet and shut up, I’m not tearing up – I was chopping onions.

I'm only allowed to smile in dream sequences

In reality Patrick is being consoled by both his sister and the sweet charms of comforting greenery. In Nina’s reality, Mama Proudman FINALLY steps up and consoles her daughter, doing the very caring mother things liking helping make the bed – I can attest, this is helpful! Nina admits she doesn’t want to go work and Mama Proudman tells her to buck up, you’ll be okay.

Nina the champion that she is – does just that! She fronts up to work, gets down to being awesome and does what every girl who has just being broken hearted hopes to achieve – leave the guy wondering: did I just make an epic mistake?