Offspring Recap: Share Patrick, SHARE WITH NINA

Previously on Offspring: Patrick was a drug addict, Nina has multiple fathers and if these seeds of cheating they are planting for Mick come true then I will light fires of protest (I don’t condone arson in any form, unless of course, it’s in Mick related protest.)

Christ here we go with metaphorical Nina and her crazy dreams. Except it’s really not that metaphorical, it’s really quite literal. Life is a roller coaster, so are relationships – welcome to explosive details of life you never knew! And to continue the season long theme, we start with Nina in bed – thankfully with Patrick.

Do you get it? SERIOUSLY, WE CAN'T BE ANY CLEARER

The Brother arrives with news that The Mother has finally realised what a spanner she has thrown into the family and has become semi-catatonic and baking terrible food – if only this would take hold for the entire episode. The Brother is continuing his usual role of running around the family and being an unproductive waste, including involving Nasty Nurse, which devolves into where the Baby would live etc.

Billie skypes Mick from New Zealand also known as Land of the Very Pregnant Actress Who Can No Longer Hide Their Belly on Camera Realistically with Giant Handbags. And guess what comes back to haunt us, The 4 Day Sex Rule. Which basically gives Eddie Perfect to opportunity to show us his American Pie sexy dancing. Of course, The Brother interrupts the hijinks, walking into a SHUT DOOR without knocking.

"How is the birth centre...um, sorry, New Zealand?"

Back at Nina’s job, we find last week’s Controlling Husband has lodged a complaint against Patrick for giving the wife an epidural. And we have a back and forth discussion about the hows and whys of Patrick giving this woman an epidural, completely forgetting the fact that CHERIE WAS IN THE ROOM, AS A WITNESS TO HER CONSENT! Cherie is finally interviewed, but Patient I Must Be a Bitch Liaison Officer isn’t interested the facts – she wants her role on Law and Order now god damn it.

Patrick and Nina then meet on the Patrick’s Reclusive Moody Staircase – in which Patrick becomes moody and decides he will attempt to challenge the cliché of no man is an island by becoming one.

I'm not going wear a necklace because I'm stressed okay?!

For CHRIST SAKES! The Brother is breaking into Nasty Nurse house to ‘help’ – I can’t EVEN, it’s just URGH.

In Mick’s world, we meet the singer he’s working with, Feisty Orange (real name: Rosanna). Worryingly, we’ve got Mick and Feisty Orange bickering/working well already – which of course, is groundwork for love/hate feelings. Don’t do it Offspring – or I will cut you! Conveniently too, an ash cloud in Chile has kept Billie in Pregnancy Zealand.

Bad news: my Newtork Ten contract is up.

Music Tim, who is banging Mick’s brother decides to take the lazy option and tell everyone he’s I’m leaving for London news in one go, therefore assuring a bad reaction from all. Andrew breaks up with Music Tim because London is too far make love work but then decides that actually, Music Tim is pretty hot and has a nice apartment that he might let him house sit, and that maybe he should stick this out a bit longer. So they agree to a farewell sexathon and then a let's see how we go approach. (PS Kudos to Offspring for giving the epic romance score that a heterosexual couple would get in the same scenario).

Door step loving: even I can't be cynical to that.

Doc Dad and Papa Proudman have a weird get together and then the entire Proudman Family ends up medical centre and for the life of me, I’m this close to clicking off. Later Mama Proudman finally apologises for lying about Nina’s paternity to Papa Proudman, and I think, you're about three episodes too late for this Mama Proudman.

Doc Martin has a chat with Nina about Patrick’s past drug history which is suddenly very recent, and a very big issue. It ends in Nina slapping Doc Martin, which is workplace bullying Nina so way to add to the list of things wrong in your household.

Anyone wanna a hit in the carpark? I'm good for that now.

Nina and Patrick have a little chat on the bench – the jist of it being that Nina wants to solve everything and Patrick wants to retain his moodiness by brewing on his problems on his man island, ALONE. The former drug addict admits how close he comes to wanting drugs again, and then decides stew alone in a motel room. Not at all a recipe for disaster.

I want to break up. Why? Your sunglasses are weird.

From the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony Nina spies Patrick leaving and they have a phone chat about basically the same thing but we get product placement Volvo and Patrick continuing to utterly shut down – except for a body language, I heart you gesture which was sweet and masculine at the same time.

You left your One Direction CD in my car.

Submissive Wife turns up just as Patrick’s heading for the motel hills. Cherie basically has to goad her into admitting that she wanted and asked for pain relief, while assuring her she is a good mum and I hate to judge but this woman has some serious issues that a professional should examine. Magically, Cherie has done something good and Submissive Wife withdraws the compliant.

Nina arrives the Motel De Shady ready to tell Patrick the good news. And despite every clue that he’s going to be passed out and wasted with drugs, a prostitute and half the cast of Bikie Wars, he’s fine.

On tonight's episode of COPS: Nina hunts down Patrick

He just wants space, in a very shut off emotionally damaged way. Nina of course, can’t accept that and practically demands he share his feelings with her at this very moment. But Patrick, literally and metaphorically continues to shut her out and we’re left with Nina driving off into the cloudy sunset, the rollercoaster heading down.