Offspring Recap: Speaking French and Pet Tears

The streak is broken! We don’t start the episode with anyone in bed. Sad. Nina is in lots of activities distract myself mode and thank God for us all she hasn’t started the tweeting yet – Nina’s consciousness let loose online would be a step too far for us all. However, it is revealed to Nina that while she thinks she’s the picture of recovery, everyone else notices she is not.

@NinaProudman: 1D 4 EVA! OMG

Doc Martin removes her from the surgery roster, to ease the tension between her and Patrick. The nurses have made up words, songs, and also a fantasy musical. Basically the entire hospital is focused on the Patrick/Nina saga and I wonder if our Patient Care Liaison from the other week needs to return to keep them on track.

Andrew is leaving and so goes Billie and Mick’s semen supply. The brothers have a sweet farewell, including barbs about dressing like Ellen and it makes me wish we’d profiled their family more and less of the Proudman’s. Andrew does throw a word of warning about watching Mick’s behaviour with Feisty Orange and I'm getting nervous people, this is week three of foreshadowing about this.

Wanna get our own spin off?

Feisty Orange is now being dragged into the Proudman shenanigans with The Brother apparently a music video director. Feisty Orange is a little touchy feely for my liking. Mick decides to cock block The Brother and announce his impending baby and I’m getting ready to light my matches people.

Hands off our Mick, Feisty Orange!

It must be said, I like Feisty Orange’s music – how it’s especially soundtrack related to the very moment of the show. And now, the dog is missing, and if Mick cheats on Billie BECAUSE HIS DAMN DOG IS MISSING I WILL FREAKING LOSE MY MIND! Okay, I’m cynical and all but I can’t handle Mick and a dying dog – I am not made of STONE!

Nina has to deal with a patient who is a bit in love with Patrick and wants to set up her friend with Doc McBroody. Nina of course, mentally spazzes out about it and so do the nurses who decide Nina needs to cut loose with some dancing and drinking. How it has taken them this long to figure out that Nina needs to cut loose is beyond me.

It's time to dance, don't bring your scarves

Back at the office, Nina is dealing with the fact that PATRICK IS SPEAKING FRENCH! Seriously, women of Australia are on their knees. Nina decides showcasing her Indonesian speaking skills are the perfect comeback. It’s not and it’s awkward.

French, the language of love - Indonesian, the language of awkward breakup

In the Locker Room of Confrontation both Nina and Patrick downplay both their happiness and their sadness. Patrick, the runner that he is, decides he should move jobs. That seeing Nina each day is gutting him – it’s sad but also if taken literally, quite graphically gross.

Papa Proudman and Nina head to a Woody Allen movie and then Doc Dad amazingly turns up and makes it an awkward parenting triangle Dad date. Hilarity ensues – or you know, usual Offspring zany humour.

Patrick tells Doc Martin he’s leaving and Doc Martin tells him to sleep on it, with a vague threat of discussing his past drug habit with any potential employers. Word spreads around that Rocket the Dog is dying and of course, we must convene at the Pub of Revelation. Mick calls Billie and is basically heartbreakingly sad and leaves a voicemail message because apparently ash cloud is completely blocking Billie's ability to answer the phone. PS Offspring I hate your guts for making Eddie Perfect cry like that.

I want this as my sad emoticon

Patrick calls at exactly the wrong time for a sort our shit out house party for two. Nina is sad because the dog died, and breaks down and her vulnerabilities freak Patrick out and he heads for the hills because emotions scare him. Nina then tosses her grains around (not a euphemism) in a move she will surely regret later and calls Cherie for the aforementioned night out – another move she will surely regret later.

Is that emotions? I can't handle that, I'm outtie!

Mick returns home to empty house with no wife and no dog and the signs are mounting for the plot of despair that I FEAR is going to happen. Seriously bad time to have baby . Feisty Orange calls with a son desperate to talk who then doesn’t want to – STRANGE. Mick then hastily decides to come over. A bit of consoling chit chat to the kid is all pre-cursor to the overwhelming feeling of stupidity I sense coming. Feisty Orange and Mick have chat about her son’s conception and then just as I think it’s impossible to avoid the rabbit hole of this plot device, Billie calls and they have a heartbreaking Skype chat from her delivery ward – sorry Pregnancy Zealand.

Mick ...awwh...I can't...just...give me a minute

Out at the oddest girls night ever, Nina is the friend grenade no one wants to have when they’re wanting to dance and drink. Drunk, desperate for friend validation and super whiny but she then drinks herself past that and into wildly entertaining dance machine. Cherie struggles to find a DJ who will play awesome pop music pre 2010 and you know what Cherie, I totally HEAR YOU on that one. Nina then verbally attacks the DJ to play some Kylie and in this moment, my friends will attest, Nina and I have never been closer.

What do you mean you don't have JT? Seriously?!

Nina is drunk dialling Patrick’s sister and then before you know, she is performing every girls (just me then) Saturday night with unabashed drunken dance moves that are so extreme I tip my hat to Asher Keddie and her commitment to the scene. And suddenly without any real warning, the episode ends – and we’re previewing Nina apparently sex rebounding with someone? Predictions as to who - the return of Fraser, Chris Havel in town to officially commemorate his balcony?

If only Patrick could see these dance moves, he'd back.