Offspring Recap: Try Dating a Proudman, We Be Crazy!

We kick off the week with a fourth wall breaking fantasy sequence with Dr Martin, narrating an introduction to the episode and then Nina and Patrick doing their Harry Met Sally stick as a fake doco about the 'perfect' relationship she has now found. Oh dear, my Offspring hates are piling up. The zany, the wacky, oh help!

Dr Brooding and his lady Dr Nutty

It's a week with after the fastest rental real estate deal in history and of course, despite a fully furnished apartment, furniture shopping is required. Billie and Nina discuss their fellas and all of sudden really try to make the phrase 'the girls' happen, constantly referring their boobs. The not-sisters both discuss their relationships and prove that despite no DNA shared, they are as nutty as each other.

Does this table seem too sensible?

We go to Nina's job and we actually realize that she has a job and not just regular visits to the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony. We've got a plot device of controlling planning Husband and his submissive wife, and due to their having lines and an actual set, we know to pay attention.

Hi! You're going to HATE me later

Elsewhere Mick is cracking the sads and for the first time is slightly less attractive to me. His song was rejected by his boss/brother's new boyfriend. Billie tries to cure this with a trip to New Zealand but very quickly Mick is offered a spot in a better band. Because of his wounded ego, Billie pushes him to take working with the smart lady singer. If we travel down the Mick cheats due to the pressure of conceiving route, I will not be happy.

I'm off to New Zealand because we can't hide my baby bump

Nina, meanwhile over the top tries to play it cool with Patrick but he forgives it anyway and kitchen sex is interrupted by his long lost sister and her plot reminder baby! Doc Dad calls for the hook up to his long lost ex, and scares the crap out of Nina. She of course decides immediately to tell the truth, Patrick continues to play his therapist role and only deal with Nina's family dramas. When he shows the first hint of a spine, this rankles Nina but she dismisses it and we know this is going to be a thing later this episode.

Smooch Interrupted

Nina is rehearsing her confession to Doc Dad - I suggest iPhone pic, worked for Cherie. And note the scarf return, we are spiraling people.  She breaks him the news and he is duly shocked in a 'we share the same DNA' way. A ring saves them both from more mad fantasy scenarios and both dive for their iPhone's of Doom with the same ringtone because apparently everybody loves chimes.

Scarf, two necklaces, bag strap - it's SERIOUS

And the earlier question is answered: the bath fits them both! Patrick gives more therapy although this is far more acceptable therapy for us to watch as viewers. I would just caution these two with their candle usage - it hasn't worked well in the past.

Call the fire brigade, these two have candle history

We've had four episodes of Dr Patrick being achingly perfectly patient with Nina and her nuttiness and while I'm sure men like this exist somewhere, this is a drama and he's becoming awfully one dimensional and flat. This is after all an ex-addict who lost a baby, it can't be all healthy up in there - so clearly we're not far at all from this whole thing unravelling.

Christ it's the Brother and he is going to birthing class alone.  JESUS! I can't do anymore.

Meanwhile Nina has gone home, had sex in the bath and come back to find control freak husband and wife giving birth. Patrick gives concerned eyes as he tells wife she doesn't need to push through but controlling husband wants to push on. The wife begs for relief while husband has gone to bathroom and says hurry, she can't accept it while he's in the room. As a daughter of a midwife, if they try to blame Patrick if shit goes down, I will rage against the stupidity of it. Seriously - Cherie is standing right there, witnessing the whole thing! But then controlling husband and wife have slow-mo trippy music baby birth and it seems to be all okay.

Dear next week's episode: Cherie the witness is RIGHT THERE!

Doc Dad calls and Nina needs Patrick to physically hold her while taking a phone call - which if it was sexy times holding would be okay, but this is serious dependency holding.

I physically need you for this call - come here

Controlling Husband checks Patrick in the lift and threatens him because of Patrick's apparent God complex and we know this shit ain't over. Hey Controlling Husband, step back off my man - okay, Nina's man, but she comes with back up!

Oh no you didn't Controlling Husband!

Nina and Patrick start to pull at each other after their respective bad days. Nina doesn't seem to understand that Patrick doesn't want to sit around and discuss their feelings while plaiting each others hair and maybe wants to man stew for an hour or so.  Just as she continues to badger him, the Proudman's all start turning up with gifts and raising the tension levels further. Mama and Papa Proudman play passive aggressive gift giving and then Nina blurts out Doc Dad date plans.

If Mark Ruffalo's busy, I'm good for The Hulk!

Nina is verging on hysterical heading to the date. They're both 'DNA' nervous, babbling and physically awkward. The iPhone of Doom ends up in the soup and Nina clutching at her eye like a pirate. Oh the forced hilarity. Nina finds out that her Doc Dad never married, and they share a similar life pattern. Or at least fantasy Chinese waitress says.

Guess that's no to more Wonton Noodle Soup then?

She returns home to a snoozing Patrick and we're get treated to naked back Nina, which is fair square for all the shirtless Patrick I guess. Perfect Patrick returns and apologizes for his 2 second bad mood and then dutifully listens to Nina talk about her Doc Dad date.

Heartbreak

They touch on kids and in a tender Offspring moment, Matt Le Nevez gets to actually act and Patrick gets to have his own emotional moment that Nina then responds to without turning into her drama. It's a freaking miracle!

Next week: the perfect Patrick dream is over :(