We Need More Room to Talk

As requested via Twitter (the best place to find me) from the lovely Anne Wright - a new post, so the comments section wasn't so overloaded.

I promise I haven't fully deserted you or The Offspring story but a sad reality is my job is content creation and output. Which basically means when I get home (sometimes quite late), my brain needs to watch The Bachelor and enjoy Tim's wooden attempts at romance instead of sitting at another computer and creating more things.

But as I can tell from the comments section, you lovely ladies don't need me to have a good and lively time.

The Patrick Reid Alternative

As promised, my attempt at Offspring fan-fiction.And now it's super scary to post this because isn't it easy to be super critical lady who can pick characterisation flaws from a distance.

I will admit it came out a lot more angsty than I'd planned, also, this story does continue and bring in other Proudmans and sort of continue the flash back momentum - if people are interested, I'll keep going.

In the meantime, enjoy ALIVE PATRICK, behind the link.

PHEW! It's been a BIG week

So, no last minute dream sequences and not the biggest fake out on Australian TV could save the dear Broody Doc. The week long who wanted to leave, and what was best for the story PR run further complicated the matter of why Patrick Reid had to die and for me what was a very tonally abrupt season finale left me with no better answers.

In fact, the finale was basically in a nutshell, all the problems of Season Four. Moments of sheer amazing character moments and questions of adulthood and sibling rivalry and complex families with consequences. However, these were matched with oddly placed physical comedy, over the top Asher Keddie Nina-isms. Character abuse of Clegg and thereby Lachy Hulme. And sheer un-ability to grasp Patrick as anything beyond his romantic lead status, either broody removed non-partner, or swoony, sister rescuing hero.

Let's resurrect swoon time!

BUT enough talk, as I've seen in the comments section, everyone wants to rewrite the last two episodes - offering some very good ideas. I've stayed quiet on this because, I have actually started something on this very subject. I wasn't going to post it and actually deleted the first draft but hey, it's probably good for my writing brain to keep moving, so I'm going to take a shot at a Patrick and Nina story. I may take great liberties at re-writing the characters the way I want to but hey, that's my choice. Hopefully, I'll have something to post at 8.30 on Wednesday night - Offspring time! And we'll see how it goes from there.

Fan-fiction for the win!

Offspring: Patrick's Dead and Possibly Some Fans Trust

Offspring have been dying (pun sort of, and then upon reflection, very much so, intended) for a watercooler moment. You know, that moment that gets Twitter trends, Facebook post headlines and the following morning commercial radio buzzing. Of course to get the headline, you gotta make some big moves - and really the only way possible is either births, death or marriage.

Hey it's me, calling from heaven, do you know they have a Volvo dealership?

Sadly many fans had the birth of Broody Bub (which now really will have something to be broody about) as that possible moment this season. The came Network Ten with their almost gleeful promos of death. 'SOMEONE NINA LOVES WILL DIE!' From the interview the producers/writers have done over the past few days, they haven't been shy about their feelings on these promos. They HATED them, thought they gave away the shock of the whole thing and ruined what was supposed to be a surprise. Not to be rude, but Offspring, while your demo numbers in the ratings are okay, your overall numbers are setting the world on fire, so of course the promo department wanted people to watch this episode instead of hearing about it second hand from the super keen fans and dismissing it, because awwh well, they've heard the plot now. I have no sympathy for the Producers on that note.

Good luck finding a Broody Abs replacement for me

Onto the big questions though: why? And no, not the mortality of life question, but actually, my immediate thought when watching the episode why? Because as many people have commented in the reaction post why was this plot device necessary? Why did the writers feel they'd boxed Patrick into a happy, non-broody dead end corner? Why did Matt Le Nevez (or his US agent) want so badly out of the role that made him an Australian household name? Why couldn't they come up with a more flexible story line - hell Billie was stuck in New Zealand for HALF A DAMN SEASON? 

I was building things, with my bare hands - yeah, top that!

In discussing this with other people, off the top of my head, we had two or three plots that could have meant diminished screen time yet NO DEATH. 1) When structuring this season, why not have sister Kate fall back in a negative behavior pattern with her ex-abusive partner and Patrick has take Kate back to Perth to testify at some sort of legal case thing against him 2) With the return of Little Intern could Patrick have maybe relapsed in and ended up in rehab - and don't use the excuse of happy people don't relapse, Keith Urban was fresh off his honeymoon when he checked into Betty Ford 3) Because of Nina's health scare, Patrick fears the worst so starts pulling away and attending all sorts of overseas medical conferences and 4) THEY DIDN'T KILL GEORGE CLOONEY ON ER! Carol Hathaway was allowed to work her shit out and then, when realised life was more important, raced to (surprise return cameo) George's side with her twin girls. 

Sunshine through the clouds - my smile, gone to big Broody Hospital in the Sky with me!

I think the rage most regular fans felt is completely justified. Patrick as a character was firmly established as man who had lost so much and this new life, his life with Nina, was almost a redemption story. Well, what a shitty crap redemption because the moment he glimpses contentment, yank! No sir. Seriously, if I was Patrick arriving at the pearly gates (hopefully with my full head of broody hair restored and not sporting a brain surgery hair cut), I'd be all up God's business about how ripped off I'd been - not even getting to glimpse my own kid. 

Sexy broody phone calls, this look is an artform people

Seriously though, how do we go forward from here? Obviously next week's episode will be a tear fest doozy. But even if we time jump into Season Five, will viewers accept a new love interest for Nina? And sure, it shouldn't only be about Nina's love life, she could go all Carrie Bradshaw and have the most important relationship with herself but the problem with both those scenarios - Carrie Bradshaw said this, then immediately received a call from her man and the entire series was geared around Nina's love life. The producers/writers themselves call it a romantic comedy. Could any really step into those shoes and win over not only Nina's heart, but also the audience who were told, directed and instructed to invest in Nina and Patrick. Interestingly the writers were asked if Chris Havel might re-appear (sadly no-one asked if this reappearance would happen on a balcony) and they ummed about it but in the end pretty much said no, this wasn't a great idea. 

Hallway hanky panky - my man hands are hard to replace

Whatever happens post Season 4's finale, I wish them luck but like many, this Patrick stunt, and let's be honest, part of it was that - a stunt pure and simple - has turned me off. I was already regressing to Season 1 style watching patterns with vague interest at best but now, I might check in, I might watch the promos, but recapping, in-depth analysis - I'm going to hand in my resignation on that one (Don't worry though, I'll still give you all a place to chat should you need to cover episodes in a non-Facebook/Tumblr fan-girl way). 

My season two, sexy pick me, not Havel, face. Gone forever!

Offspring: They Just Molly-ed Patrick Reid

Like Molly on A Country Practice, Shane on Home and Away and countless Aussie soaps, when all is going well - we must KILL CHARACTERS needlessly.

Go forth and discuss! I'll come back with my thoughts later.

Heading to the sexy smouldering hospital in the sky.

Offspring Recap: Talk Amongst Yoursevles

Ladies, sorry but beaches and books and banana lounges and Breezers (not really, but I was working a whole B theme) are calling my name.

I'm in the midst of a back to back work two week marathon session which I'm then following up with a Bali holiday of radio silence. Which means, no Offspring recaps. With last night's episode still yet to be seen and next week's definitely getting missed, I'm handing over the keys and letting you all taking care of the analysis, intense character study and important growth discussions. Just clean up any wild parties you decide to have while I'm gone.

Offspring Recap: The Reverse Triangle

This week, I watched Offspring a little differently. I went old school, turned off all electronic devices (excluding the TV of course) and watched without Twitter commentary, without note taking for my recaps and without texts to family members. Honestly, it didn't forever change my past opinions, but it did give the characters a chance to breathe, the plots felt a little stronger and the beats more deserved. If that was because the episode itself was stronger (I think it was) over the electronic cynical distraction that is modern TV watching, I'll never really know. Either way, enough pondering, let's break it down.

The Patrick/Nina/Little Intern Triangle

During the first 15 minutes I truly despaired as we watched Nina, Billie and Patrick awkwardly and well over the bounds of professional care and conduct, attempt to decipher Little Intern's crush. Seriously though, Little Intern has a mega sexual harassment case on her hands should she chose to spin it. Dinner with teenage immature inquisitions and more flighty Nina was however quickly booted when Little Intern stepped up and said, you dear Nina are the desire of my heart. (Sorry Nina, but really?)

We are SO FAR past appropriate. Pecan pie go with that?

After taking a moment or two to enjoy her crush status, including quite an entertaining Nina-fantasy of what lesbian love affairs are. According to Nina's it's a chocolate ad, mixed with 1980's tampon commercial and directed by Peter Weir circa Picnic at Hanging Rock.

Picnic at Hanging Rock 2: We're Going to Need a Bigger Boat

After Little Intern couldn't face the stuttering awkwardness and went home, with text messages threats of transferring Nina came a knocking. Bearing consoling stories of her Chris Havel crush (memories!) Nina tried to ease Little Intern's pain. Aside from the pointless but isn't this funny wink hamster stuff, Nina did an okay job of trying to help Little Intern and I give her credit.

The Clegg Meltdown

I've loved the character of Martin Clegg, for his sheer unusual-ness that wasn't too gag-fest related. His involvement with Cherie has always been problematic because it never quite gelled, and so while I get what they're aiming for with his meltdown and I applaud Lachy Hulme's commitment, I couldn't quite get their with his devastation because I just didn't feel.

If I stare long enough, maybe I'll solve the WTF was Cherie's problem, problem?

For a man, that above all else valued his professional career, to completely shut down in the operating theatre was a step too far and making the analogy of Patrick's drug habit was silly. It felt like a case of writing the dialogue for the tattoo parlor reunion first and then working backward to get both characters there. That being said, I do enjoy Clegg and Patrick's friendship and I think it's quite moments are great. And sure the manufactured efforts to get Clegg to break annoyed, the tattoo parlor conversation was beautiful and the moment in which both men remembered or experienced rock bottom was a nice touch.

Bitches be crazy. Bro's before hos right Reid.

My absolute favourite scene, maybe of the entire season so far, was the closing with Patrick and Nina joyful hearing their child's first kicks and Martin Clegg politely declining a threesome. It was laugh out loud funny and sweet and tender at the same time. This is right here is why I love Offspring.

Nina and Patrick: Happy, together. It's a MIRACLE!

Smoke and Mirrors Billie

From powerful couple, to secrets and lies. Billie is on the surface swimming along with her fantastic career, her pop star husband and interviews with the Sunday papers. (PS Mick, I know those Q&A's are tedious but some poor music publicist has called five times to get that Q&A into the schedule - answer the damn toilet paper question). Underneath though, it's slowly starting to slip away, bills are not being paid, people are dying or just not buying property. As per Billie's style, though she is choosing for the moment, to surface over it and pretend to everyone including Mick that life is fine. Next week, though hints at it all crashing down. This seems interesting, real and grounded and I'm thrilled for every character involved!

Who the F*** ordered all that stuff from ASOS?

Selfish Proudman

The only other note is that Mama Proudman continues her EPIC run of selfishness and rags on Jimmy's efforts to grow up. At this point I want to vote her off the show and let Bio Dad Phillip run the family. It annoys me that everyone allows her barbs to sit there without actually addressing them. The foreshadowing that this behaviour could be health related doesn't make me happy either because really, Geraldine's been 90% like this from day one!

She has Sav Blanc-itis. Symptoms include selfishness, running off your mouth

Next week Billie's house of cards looks to come crashing down and will give Kat Stewart and Eddie Perfect some big acting moments. Maybe Mick could write a financial recovery ballad to help us through!

Offspring Recap: It's Better, But Then Not Really

After the hell fire and brimstone that I rained down last week on poor little Offspring, I felt moderately bad. But then it seems, I am not alone in my frustrations and as equally important, everyone seems to be sharing the same concerns. Thankfully, this episode does a lot to remedy these major complaints and while, it's getting better - I really have to admit to being on Struggle St with Offspring this season. Honestly, the only reason, I'm horribly and belated recapping at all is because of the fantastic and articulate comments I see from people each week that inspire me to at least give them a home.

So here is a rapid fire pros and cons list of last week. Nina would have to appreciate this.

Pros
Far less Nina crazy times. No flailing wildly like she was barely in control of her body. However, far less crazy time actually meant far less Nina and if solving the problem of your show is removing the lead character, then there is bigger problems to face. I actually also enjoy the counsellor and his presence in Nina's life as a device. I don't even care she day dreams him - that's something that seems realistic as long as she doesn't start talking to him.
Billie Sees the Madness. When Jimmy turned up for a job interview at Proudman, I was panicked. This had all the hallmarks, of moving the family chess pieces around the board to let the insanity continue but hooray no. She realizes that as underwhelming as her skill set is, Jimmy is twice as bad and unreliable and just not appropriate to hire.
Kate's story development. I'm really glad they're starting to acknowledge her back story of domestic violence in both it's relationship to Patrick and also her own future potential relationship. Sure, it could have use more time to breathe, but overall, I'm liking Sister Reid and her sparky personality mixed with an actual story line.

Cons
CHERIE! I know it's supposed to be touching and sad and sweet but LORD, Cherie, get yourself together or at least give the character more story to help us understand why she's running so far, so fast. In three episodes we went from Ray mimicking Doc Martin to Cherie leaving the state on an indefinite road trip. This while declaring her love and confusingly for the young child in her life, pashing the crap out of the father figure that's about to disappear from his life.
Geraldine. I don't care, I find your treatment of the people in your life selfish, vain and without foundation to be the so called heart of the family. I hope Phillip grows a pair and walks!
Hospital professionalism - I really find it hard to swing so wildly, from serious conversations about reporting Patrick and his previous drug problems to the Nurses front desk activity. I hate the forced kooky, zany-ness and the farewell for Cherie was grating and annoying.

I'll keep hanging in there, but now sadly, it's out of a sense of duty rather than enjoyment and I hope Offspring can turn this around. As evidenced by last week's episode there is potential there, it's just hopefully not too late.

Offspring Recap: In Which Nina and I Have Words

It’s not looking good Offspring, let’s get that out there right now. Firstly, when you’re compelling and interesting, I cancel plans to watch and recap you. When you’re drifting – as in Season One – I’ll accept an invitation to just about anything.  Sadly, it looks like we’re heading down Season One road again, so this recap is going to be a little different. Less what happened and more what in the hell is going on right now – I won’t be offended if the less cynical (and God sometimes I wish I was) headed to happier, more positive pastures.

The good news first: shirtless Patrick is still PHWOAR

Okay, what in the hell is going on! Seriously, Nina Proudman you are the most scatty illogical, dependent person. This entire episode seemed to revel in your ditzy behaviour. How endearing the stuttered speech patterns were, the physical hijinks, the blatantly stupid ways to entertain  a toddler. The horrible scene in which she confronted Little Intern and waved her arms as if she was a mute trying to express herself, was neither endearing nor funny. It simply made me wonder how a grown woman, who the show claims to have a professional career is able to function when she can barely walk down the street without overt physical expressiveness bordering on mania.

What this episode sadly made me think about – and not in a good way – is what exactly do you and Patrick, besides hotness and inner city coolness, and professional vocation – have in common. Seriously, I’ve never seen Nina and Patrick, with sex removed, really enjoy each other. I understand we’ve been buried in angsty town for a few seasons but right now, I’m really struggling to understand what Patrick sees in Nina aside from the fact she is carrying his child. What this also does, is drag Patrick down into this behaviour. For someone who has taken great strides in growth and evolution, his insensitivity to Nina about his night out with Little Intern was staggering. He knows she is a nutcase, would stew ridiculously if he was 20 minutes late and by choosing to be with her, chooses this relationship structure. SO FREAKING CALL the poor woman and say, 'Hey, taking longer than I thought, don’t worry, I’m okay, I’ll be home soon, love you etc'. Not hard to do, and I resented him for not doing it.

The whole Little Intern thing is a bit of a missed opportunity for me right now as we seem to be back to bringing up danger Patrick to illicit danger without punishing the character in the present. They don’t want him to be currently flawed, only have viewers remember the hint it’s there. And the continuity regarding drinking continues to frustrate me. Season Two Patrick had no problems with a glass. I’m fine if Patrick feels that drinking does open him up to demons, but the story has to convey his decision to change somehow. Whether the viewers see him speaking independently with the counsellor man, and talking about his evolution or to another character – we need to know he’s not just flipping a switch and being a douchebag.

And don’t even get me going about the Cherie character. I have no patience, sympathy, tolerance or understanding of how this character continues to bounce from life experience to life experience all while leaving a wake of confusion and complications. The only reason her friend Nina, hasn’t called her on her ditch and run the second it’s slightly mundane pattern is because she’s too bizarrely stunted herself.

Comic relief heavy lifting for Billie this week, but for a character empowered last week with her growth to become an adult, they sure cut the legs out from under her with the photo shoot shenanigans. Mick is clearly atoning for last season’s Fiesty mess with his role this season to be Billie’s support team – if only this could involve more actual character development for him.

The mother suffering mother guilt plot with Zara was good but poorly explored. Zara has always been a complex character and I’m surprised the show didn’t let her deal with the two options in life a little longer. Why couldn’t she actually enjoy her job (because I sense she would) but still be missing Alfie? I hate to put this on her, but why couldn't she be (incorrectly) ashamed about her desires completely changing. This was a strong, fiercely independent woman who wanted no support emotionally and was determined to have her life remain the same. Yes, that's a pipe dream and of course, she was always going to change, especially thanks to her relationship with Jimmy and that is a wonderful thing and a great story to tell. But can we actually see that growth in more detail and on screen instead of speeding through this decision, in what equated to 10 minutes on screen.

Mama Proudman gets nothing but a SHUT UP from me. Who cares what Darcy does, you should be happy, you’ll be able to crash his spa without awkward multiple lovers nakedness.

This is sadly, a particularly ranty recap from me, I’m sorry to say. Nina is the centre of the Offspring universe and when she’s off in this hyper eccentric zone, it drags the entire show down with it. Other characters have to heighten or lower to the extremes just to match it and I think this is a grave error. I enjoy the writing on Offspring from a unique episode standpoint, but what always seems to let it down is the commitment to the characters development and growth. Right now we seem to be aiming for a quota each episode of zany, hot sexy times, shirtless Matt Le Nevez and crazy Proudman hijinks. When Offspring got a two season order – I was hopefully this would mean more concentrated storytelling, a far stronger characterisation for everyone including secondary players like Martin Clegg – who is getting absolutely shafted this season. Sadly, it looks like Offspring is playing to its negatives and not positives and much like Patrick, I think I need a drink.

Sort your needy, whiny, erratic shit out Nina!

Positives:

Both Belle’s Diner (featured in the stupid Darcy, Cherie, Nina catch up) and Everleigh Bar (where Patrick and Little Intern had a drink and also the fantasy movie Nina watched on TV) were featured tonight. Belle’s Diner does the best fried chicken ever – like an awesome, gourmet KFC , or as if you were invited to a friend’s family’s home in Louisana for Thanksgiving. Do get the mashed potato and gravy with it – it’s comfort food at it’s cool inner city hipster best.

Afterwards, go upstairs to the Everleigh Bar and let their amazing cocktail staff create a drink for you based off what type of alcohol you normally drink. I did and the drink they served me – multiple times – was amazing.  Also, thanks to the 20’s feel, you’ll feel super fancy and cool but be warned, weekends are tricky to get tables in the evening and you might have to perch at the bar, which slightly lessens the fancy feel. 

Offspring Recap: Welcome Back to Nina's Nuts Hour

We jump straight into Little Intern-gate with Nurse Kim, playing to Nina’s insecurities like a manipulative, yet funny, genius that she is. She gently prods about Little Intern and her ‘story’ and then after a funny off in which it’s confirmed, Nina is incredibly unfunny, (seriously a check 1, 2 jokes – oh Nina) plants the seed of doubt merely by linking their names in once sentence. Boom it’s on!

I'd like to dedicate this next number to my future child

Nina hurries to her baby doc appointment, arrives late and finds a parking spot right in front (every Melburnian calls utter bullshit on this. Friendly, charming, have my apartment while you recover from your hangover Jesus types, maybe but parking places in front of the place you immediately need to be at – BULLSHIT!)

And then we meet Doctor KAMAHL! Seriously, casting people, BRILLIANT stunt casting – I tip my hat to you. Nina rambles unchecked about her medical career, her non-existent birth plan. Nina of course wants a completely natural, easy, drug free birth. This is a pure fantasy – no TV show ever allowed its main character to not have a birth that didn’t have a rare genetic complication that meant lots of frowning and concern but all was fine in the end. Nina of course, doesn’t read TV Tropes 101 so believes easy and carefree is going to happen while Kamahl tries book her in for a C-section and completely ignores Nina and Patrick’s wants.

What up Kamahl!

Outside Patrick shows his continued growth by guessing Nina might not be comfortable even when she herself can’t get there. Nina switches gears and with an edge asks if Patrick knows Little Intern. His denial doesn’t clear Nina’s height requirement and even Patrick can see this thing ain’t over.

Back at the hospital, Nina attempts to stop her runaway train of Little Intern crazy by telling Nurse Kim, her man ain’t know that girl. Happily for us, it ends Nina fantasy of Patrick and Little Intern getting it on. Hello Green Sheet sexy Patrick (yay props department for continuity).

Hello LOVER!

Arriving home we find, not only Patrick and Mick and Billie waiting with some SERIOUS news. Billie had the 20K to repay and wants the appropriate low toned level of awe and ceremony to mark the occasion. [This is wear my segment of catch up TV froze and stalled recap Wednesdays.] Nina rewards Billie with a clearance from Grey Skull and yep, a He Man reference made me laugh.

Nina can’t let go about Little Intern, and launches into Round 3 of could you have slammed Little Intern. Patrick admits to melting down a little after his marriage ended and sleeping around and that, sure maybe, past persons might have been Little Intern. Can we have some flashback eps please? Raise your hand if you want to see dark and slutty Patrick for episode.

This of course naturally turns into What’s Your Number. Nina is SUPER proud of her 7 and Patrick is less proud, but seriously, he is proud of 35.

Oh yeah, the ladies loved when Dr Reid made house calls! BOOM TISH!

Billie and Nina compared notes afterwards, and 7 is deemed incredibly low – and actually 6.5 because of an ill aborted threesome in which she was left out. Nina is realising that apparently she hasn’t actually been around the block that much. The entire Proudman family is very loose on both the sharing of who they have slept with and also the judgement of numbers and in typical Nina fashion, her work, life and career are all aware of her entire personal life within 24 hours.

Mama Proudman attempts to put Billie in Darcy’s frame of mind for possibly taking over Proudman Real Estate. He takes it with a grain of salt, and then turns up to work and launches his ‘I’m Selling You Out’ spiel without much tact or tenderness. Billie makes an offer to buy, but Darcy basically says, you’re a cold hearted bitch and you’re not smart enough to run the business. That is way harsh Darcy, way harsh. Never go into business with your family – rule 1! It does however offer Kat Stewart another opportunity to showcase the subtle strength she gives to Billie and how this season seems to be about slowly, but surely unpicking that strength. Her infertility, her family’s familiar to really believe in her and recovery from a troubled marriage patch. Speaking of which she heads off to see Mick and finds him and Fiesty Orange jamming out and her independence unable to crack enough to say, I really need you.

Another layer of failure, another Stewart home run of acting

Back in Nina-Land, we’re hitting upon a vintage season one Nina, she of insecurities, she of rambling about the men in her life and only able to focus on the small details. The Nina that really actually annoys me. Seriously, I get the plot has to move towards Shady Little Intern, but is there a way we can do it without making Nina like a co-dependent, man envy ridden neurotic. After quizzing repeatedly all parties of the ‘maybe they had sex’ coupling like a Year Eight student, we learn that Little Intern once worked with Patrick.

I'm calling from the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony - so of course,  I'm NUTS!

Cherie interrupts Nina’s meltdown because she has decided she wants her own plot. Apparently things with Doc Martin aren’t going well, and she wants it over. Also in a never before seen friendship, Kate – Sister of Revelations, is the third person Cherie can trust for advice. It’s all very random and moving the chess pieces around the board. Afterwards we have an attempted meet-cute with Kate – Sister of Revelation and a potential new love interest.  She attempts to call him later, with Cherie’s inexplicable support and totally Reid’s it up. We now see when Patrick gets his snappy, slightly angry tinged banter from – its Reid DNA. Later in the episode, Bike Courier Man turns up at her sports med clinic and surprise, she has to treat him. What are the carefully script chances!

Nina is then again late for her counselling session with Patrick and young hot counsellor. It basically becomes an explosion of Nina’s neurosis and insecurities and hammers home the point that Nina is (needlessly and under-explained) insecure about her relationships with every man – ever.

We then head to Billie’s house where after feeling no support from her extended family all day, she has barricaded herself in a doona of failure and doubt. As she confides to her sister, that her salvation from being parentless was being good at her job, and that is actually now proven untrue. She also admits that she can’t bear to hear Mick brush this off in his lovable laidback manner because it's too important to her, Kat Stewart breaks me. THIS is what I want Offspring, mature looks at adult relationships that are complex and interwoven and ask actors to do more than screech like banshees.

Breaking down, cosy and comfy.

From sublime to stupid, naked spa is sadly not a dream.  Mama Proudman continues her GRAND run of selfishness by deciding to naked spa with her current partner, in her previous partner’s house. FOR FUCK’s SAKE! Spa nakedness is apparently hijinks funny and so everyone jumps in. I just can’t do this shit – it serves no purposes and I don’t see the point except to show off how epically selfish Geraldine is about those around her from children to lovers.

You immature selfish WANKERS

Mick then charges in and confronts Papa Proudman, asking for him to believe in his daughter and when dissatisfied with the answer, boos his father in law. Listen, the line ‘I say boo to you’ is funny, Eddie Perfect is a big reason why it lands. But immediately having Nina join in this and both of them repeatedly boo-ing falls mega flat. Naked spa sessions combined with the boo-ing is why I don't do zany eccentric Australian TV. It's why I've had seriously problems with Offspring in the past.

It's funny right, so zany funny! 

Mick returns to Billie and reminds me why this couple are lovely when written well. He brings chocolate ice-cream and then serenades her with an empowering belief song that includes references to a Billie dedicated Tumblr. Gold star Mick!

What rhymes with Tumblr?

Nina arrives home and has a very quick, easy, rational conversation about parenting choices and how past partners don’t really matter to where they are now. See Nina, it WASN’T THAT HARD!

Billie turns up the next day to Proudman Real Estate and her line (and Kat Stewart’s delivery) of 'I head you got boo-ed by my husband’ is pretty damn brilliant and almost, almost worth the naked spa scene.  She is pitching herself to take over business and for God's sake Darcy give Billie a FUCKING break – which thankfully, he does and offers a deal.

Little Intern is called in to face Nina's odd and bizarre Spanish Inquisition. Little Intern didn't sleep with Patrick, she just witnessed him a drug stupor and then reported him. Apparently this is gravely horrible which baffles me because it wasn't like it wasn’t a) true - it was, he was a druggie and b) the right thing - it was she might have even saved lives.

Let's talk - how do you braid your hair like that?

Next week's preview however leads us to believe Little Intern is Glenn Close and she will eventually work her way up to bunny boiling. Thank God Rocket the dog died, as the only known pet in the Proudman family he was a prime target.

Offspring Recap Interrupted! Thanks Ten Catch TV

I have an excuse, I promise. When my Mama says 'how about you come over for a roast tonight' - you don't reject that. Single peeps who live alone will back me up on this - anytime some one else offers to cook, you take it. When it's your mother's roast, by GOD YOU RUN THERE!

But I had great plans my friends, to come home and catch up TV and recap my little heart out. Sadly Network Ten and their constantly freezing player didn't agree with my plans so alas, tonight - no recap. I've got notes and some images for the first 10 minutes of the ep and notes for the last 15 minutes - this doesn't make a good recap for anyone. So standby, and hopefully by Thursday evening Australian time, we'll have this thing sorted. 

While waiting for a possible resolution, I was checking my blog stats as one does and looking to see how people are finding me. I really think my Google search word terms that people have to Dear Pop Culture are true indicator as to who I am and seriously, Dr Quinn, Logan Echolls and Offspring is pretty much who I am.

In case you're new to my world and wonder how these articles are linked - here we go:

Logan Echolls - You'll find him (oh Logan) in my ode to TV Crushes: Early 2000s, right next to Josh Lyman.

Jonathan Brandis - Not surprisingly, he's featured in my ode to TV Crushes: Late 80s/Early 90s and that's also where you'll find banter superstar Dexter (Spike) Fletcher, from Press Gang AND flowing locks and wounded soul heart throb Sully, from Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.

Dear Pop Culture - Hopefully self-explanatory. 

Offspring Season 4 - Clearly everyone was keen for the next season, and my recaps are here and also the wants and wishes for S4 which way back in July of 2012 look awfully interesting now!

Kyle Chandler - Oh Coach Taylor you sexy Southern man,women forever swoon and I currently do, as evidence in my ode to TV Crushes of Today.

Angel David Boreanaz - Awwh, the first tortured and brooding vampire and bonus points, no sparkling. Yep, he's there in my ode to TV Crushes: Late 90s along with my other late 90's man Noel Crane, from Felicity - I would have picked you Noel! 

Offspring Recap: Baby It's Complicated

After last season’s ‘we’re not sure if we’re being picked up again so let’s complete every storyline REALLY quickly’ ending – we’re back in Nina Proudman’s life and it’s Offspring Season 4 time.

We kick off with a Nina dream sequence and Nina’s labour with her delivering random appliances – troll, fan, avocados – that’s too meta for me to decipher. She awakens with a fright and THANK GOD WE HAVE LOST the dreaded green sheets curse. White sheets = a clean slate in my book.

Shirtless Patrick - great start to a season.

Nina is at work and attempting to self-narrate into having a perfect life but is late for her own baby appointment. We get a this is zany crazy Nina Proudman montage of her general life indecisiveness and also to show Network Ten, that it was worth paying for all those inner city location shooting days - see we’re using them!

A tram, taxi, inner chic Melbourne, long flowy dresses - it's Offspring

But fake out, she isn’t late for a baby appointment, it’s counselling with Patrick, who is chipper and happy to be exposing his flaws. We also have quite a handsome young fella as our counsellor ladies – insert your own personal joke here involving lying his couch. We then have a meta conversation which seems to address all fans queries about non-communication Patrick and Nina’s over analysing. It does however leave them with homework which sends studying Nina running for the stationery aisle at Officeworks. I would have seriously pegged her as a Smiggle girl myself.

My baby daddy life partner is hot: exhibit A

Mick’s on tour but Skyping in for Billie chats and I’m impressed with their Skype resolution, they must be on the NBN plans. Feisty Orange pops in to let Australia know that she’s totally back off Billie’s man and just happy for them to be chewing up the bandwith with their chatter.  

Nina’s been tasked with creating a master list of her life from counselling and through the episode it swings wildly from fitness levels to getting a will to setting Billie boundaries. All done in very clear teacher block writing. Nina does not need to work on her penmanship.

Nina’s ready to get cracking on her counselling homework but Patrick’s feeling frisky (oh yeah!) It’s amazing to see sexy, smirky Season 2 Patrick back in full force – his joking with Nina about her study habits was either a nice shout-out or just good sexy times – either way, bravo and continue on I say.

Can I copy off your homework - I'll pay you back

Jara (Jimmy and Zara) surface for breakfast at Proudman Palace and notice that Doc Dad has moved in via food and shaving appliances. In a house where three out of the four residents shouldn’t really be there – it’s all too personal and fibre diets jokes for my liking. Alfie is coming home and of course the Proudmans want a family celebration – something that both Nurse Nasty and I agree is crazy idea.

Doc Martin and Cherie seems to have shifted gears pretty quickly, now living together with Cherie’s Proudman spawn. This is mega quick, after only recently putting away Darcy Dad as Ray 2.0 Dad potential.

Doc Eli is our new mystery Doc, and of course, people seem to think it’s a man due to the name then fake out 2 - it’s actually a woman. She’s young and looks to Nina for professionalism and leadership – Little Intern that’s a long wait for train that might never come.

Meanwhile at another hospital with less crazy and more hotness, we learn Patrick is now working with kids and Aussie women switch to ultra high swoon levels.

Yep, working with kids now - good luck ladies of Australia resisting me

Nina and Little Intern get onto rounds they get to witness the nurses station now patent pending salty banter and complete lack of respect for Nina – HR would have a field day with the barbs being tossed about. Cherie continues to overshare with EVERYONE about her entire life. I think Cherie needs non work friends so the hospital isn’t directly aware of her morning routine with Doc Martin.

Nina sees more patients than in all of Season Three and some wacky couple have weird photos, which is really an excuse to see Asher and Matt commit to some absolutely insane photos for laughs purpose.

OMG Sister with Dark Past We Never Address is back and she is dropping past bombs. Apparently Patrick used to make furniture – who knew? And Patrick talks of memories of the dead son, who we practically ignored last season but now realise might be super important to this character’s inner turmoil and growth. Seriously though, Patrick building furniture for future baby, sanding wood in a short sleeve tee – COME ON!

The Renovators would have worked with this type of casting Network Ten

Mick is back and ready to repay the sex debt and already, their coupledom is off balance – which despite my inner romance, I think is nice call back to how far they drifted apart last season. They stupidly delay reunion sex and of course, this won’t EVER come back to hurt them. Kudos to both actors for ripping through the lines with zing.

Doc Dad is almost single white femaled Darcy Dad out of his own family as we have Alfie’s welcome home party. Everyone is headed to the Proudman Party of What Will No Doubt Be Issues Buffet. Inexplicably at the family function: Doc Martin and Cherie. Because dating the woman who banged the not biology Dad is an immediate invitation to intimate family gathering now.  There is some sexy gazing across babies and kids between Nina and Patrick. And after a very thorough Proudman party with flashes, with food, wine, and photo taking everyone realises Darcy Dad was forgotten.

Forgot to invite: painter, plumber, accountant and oh YEAH  YOUR DAD!

The Proudman family completely undo the party in effort to make Darcy Dad believe it was an impromptu gathering – because that ruse will hold for about 5 minutes in the blabbermouth Proudman household. This includes Nina and Patrick committing to re-arriving in the Volvo Product Placement and the Proudman ladies completely overselling their ‘we’ve never been here before’ bit. Everyone else re-arrives and shares knowing, crazy loaded stares – that are not subtle at all.

Billie is trying to wildly signal Mick that she’s struggling with baby poolza but he doesn’t see it and their imbalance is still there. Darcy Dad cottons on very quickly and Nina is the one to comfort him, and Darcy does look flat – seriously John Waters physically commits to the alone and down thing. He feels like the only the single person at the party and wants to wallow a little bit. Darcy Dad been there – keep the wine flowing, and drop loads of free time and disposable income comments.

Billie is decides that she needs to counsel Patrick and Nina about their relationship mid party and then it turns in a Proudman family counselling session for Nina and her life. It’s almost as if this whole thing was about Nina and only her story (oh wait). Constant talk of babies and parents and all anyone can say is babies, mothers, parenting and Billie is sadly, quietly, breaking down in the background. Kat Stewart can certainly hit the moments of subtle grace when she needs to and break hearts.

It's like I'm the supporting actor on the Nina Damn Proudman show! 

Billie and Mick escape to the sad strums of acoustic guitar and Billie’s tears. iPhone of Doom tries to beckon her but no damn it Nina, Billie wants to wallow. Billie tries to commit to the sex marathon, admirable as it may be but tears get in the way. Still she can’t, and the Mick that I know and love is BACK! Supportive, admiring of his wife’s spine and beauty and just a generally all round good bloke. THANK GOD!

Mick: awesome husband has returned! Feisty Orange affair be gone!

Meanwhile Nina and Patrick returns the Melbourne apartment of everyone’s inner city dreams. Where Nina has made a mood board of her life in coloured post it notes but realises that she’s trying to be super sensible to her absolute nuttiness.

A bang at the gate and Billie arrives, to demonstrate that their house is a death trap for kids. Showing that she is in fact supportive and offering to help get them a place together. Billie spots the mood board and realises that actually Nina and Patrick are working on their relationship and sister pride ensues. It’s awkward for Patrick I’m sure, as his not-sister in law steps up examine Nina’s feelings about their flaws and insecurities. Definitely a way to literally lay it all out there. After some post it notes of emotional revelations all is better.

The next morning on the corner of hipster and incredibly wealthy, Patrick and Nina share a smooch over coffee (I’d pash anyone, girl or boy for bringing me coffee) and Little Intern spots them and ominous clunky music of Patrick’s dark history tells us Little Intern is NOT happy to see him. She’s got her own truth bomb to drop. I’m torn between drug dealer, Volvo dealer or pissed off green sheet dealer.

Katniss Everdeen's pissed about something

At work Little Intern, asks some questions about Doc Patrick that raises the suspicions of Tell It Like It Nurse and then we’re left with her ‘I have a giant soap opera connection to your man’ face following Nina down the hall.

Previews for the rest of the season tell us Billie cries over lots of boxes (rumours of a Mick death, if proven true will absolutely be a shark jump moment for me), Patrick may or may not know Little Intern and It May or May Not Be Important. 

It's Almost Time to Offspring and Top 5 Scandal Moments to Get You Hooked

We've got less than a week to go people! I sadly missed the 24 hour period that the first episode was available on Facebook to see for free but Fee, in comments of my last post tells me that she watched and it's good! I'm kind of glad to be going in fresh, although I have been reading last seasons recaps just remind myself of the plot and also the lingo I'm attempting to make happen. We can't the Chris Havel Memorial Balcony just be a balcony - then Chris would have moved to Brisbane in VAIN!

I was asked on Twitter (I'm @FlossAus) if I'll be live tweeting the episodes and yes, I probably will be but I also write my first draft of the recap as the episode airs so I'm a little slower on the draw. Basically Ten really need to get me a episode preview so I can live tweet then immediately post my recap.

All this is just to say, yep, Wednesday is firmly in my calendar, I'm excited, although I can already see that the costume department might want to work on Nina's fake bump as it's awfully basketball in the promo shots.

Yes, Mrs Proudman, you have a lot of questions to answer!

While you're waiting for Offspring to return, can I suggest watching Scandal. It's a Shonda Rimes show at the season two pinnacle of a Shonda Rimes show. Remember how amazingly addictive Grey's Anatomy was in Season 2. Meredith, McDreamy and his wife were duking it out, there were bombs threats, dying Denny's and just already soap opera heightened emotions of good times.

This is that, but more! It's super speed paced, tear through plot, sexy as all bugger and with AMAZING clothes instead of scrubs. Quick pitch: Kerry Washington is a crisis management in DC but also in love/sleeping with The President. His wife is a class A bitch and his chief of staff manipulatively brilliant. There is lots of double crossing, betrayals and secrets but it's fun and a great way to zoom through an hour while attractive people bicker articulately and then sex it up in Oval Office.

My Top 5 Moments to Hook You:

During a flashback to the campaign, we see how Liv can sleep with him but still go toe to toe when she needs to. Also Tony Goldwyn does hot sexy enraged so well!



Another flashback, this is one of those epic declarations of love of two people who are in it too fiercely but lord is that intensity sexy.


So they'd planned to stop sleeping together when he got to the White House and then it he got all 'roll up my sleeves and look sexily at the Oval Office desk.'



They do stop and she leaves the White House to set up Pope and Associates, which is the present that the series is set. Another fierce fight/romantic moment that this show deals in on a daily basis.



And this flashback clip here (YT won't let me embed, silly YouTube) of how the flirting goes just a little bit further, again in an incredibly hot WAY.

Offspring: Season Four is Coming

A freight train is barreling down towards us people. A giant Offspring Season Four train, shaped with Nina's pregnancy dreams, Billie's infertility, Patrick's broody-ness, Mama Proudman's weird freak me out even in the promo and yes I realize hopefully that it's just a dream scene.

The publicity machine is starting to kick into gear for Offspring Season Four and while we've got no official date, we do have a season promo that doesn't give much away. 

Still, the expert analyzer that I am (sadly Melbourne Uni won't acknowledge Offspring coverage as an official degree and therefore continue to deprive my mother the chance of getting her daughter a degree in something!) I've studied the trailer and taken a few key pointers away.

Am totes happy for Nina to continue dreaming her mad bananas dreams, but if Mama Proudman actually has a naked spa threesome with Doc Dad and Darcy Dad then my rage will hit new heights!

Clegg is back and this makes me happy but let's not waste the brilliance - don't make him a catch phrase character always carrying the comedy burden. 

Hot new mysterious doctor: um, was this not the very description given to Dr Patrick Reid!! I'm all for hot, new, mysterious doctors (both fictional and real) but Patrick and Nina deserve a season of coupleness and if this derails that THEN SO HELP ME!

And finally, thanks to Ten promo team for the hint at randy couch make outs - long live the randy Patrick and Nina couch time antics! 

Any other Season Four theories based on this clip?

The Shame Game: The Lizzie Bennet Diaries

Firstly, I am alive! Yes, for those lovely regulars who think I might have gone completely MIA - I am very much alive, very much okay but also, very much busy. Don't worry though, I'm saving most of my output for Offspring's return - fingers crossed Ten keep it steady on Wednesday nights, otherwise I'll need to rearrange my entire schedule.

That being said, I do want to bring to your attention something magnificent. The Lizzie Bennet Diaries! Full disclosure, I learn of the LBD from my work and continue to promote the show via my work.

A totally genius modern retelling of Pride and Prejudice in a video diary confessional style, that showcases the genius of Austen and also the fact that her story really is timeless! It's an amazing storytelling experience as characters not only exist on the main Lizzie Bennet channel, but also have their own Twitter accounts, Tumblr's and more. And as a fan, you can be as involved as you want - with predominant force sticking with the main channel level, while smaller numbers are enriched by the intricate plotting of deeper level story.

All that guff aside, we've hit a fascinating section of the storyline with Lydia about to be shamed by a sex tape of herself and Wickham about to hit the Internet (the modern day scandal replacement of a shady marriage). What's so interesting to me is the meta level the most recent video reached with the character Lydia reacting to fan comments on previous videos. She repeats the ranty comments which said directly from the character's mouth sound even more cruel than when first typed by a random commentator.

And the direction of their wrath, not George Wickham, who until we're completely told otherwise, we're lead to believe is behind the sex tape becoming public. No, this angry, abusive and downright cruel comments are geared to Lydia and her 'behaviour'. Stupid, slutty, only got herself to blame, selfish.

This girl shame isn't new, there is column after column about girl on girl hate when the originator of the hurt is a male. If you ever want a trip down the rabbit hole of ugly, look at the comments board on a Chris Brown article - in which Team Breezy (YUCK!), slam Rihanna for her actions, some even declaring the ugliest of phrase 'that it was a shame, he didn't smack more sense it that bitch.' Yes, that was really written!

I find it though, compellingly brave that a show such as the Lizzie Bennet is tackling this topic in such an interesting and subversive manner. Almost leading the fans into such frenzied commentary, only then to say, 'Hey now, check yourself' and all without a lecturing, after school special tone.

So when people say that intelligent free content can't be created, can't attract young peoples attention and can't generate actual discussion - I say, you're just not looking hard enough.